SAVANNALOG

winter

2009-11-29T22:18:00.000-08:00

winter is taking its sweet time. usually, i can feel it in my bones, my whole self-demeanor changes as winter settles in. maybe winter is waiting for me to settle my head and heart affairs before it comes swirling in. on wednesday, it snowed and i could smell winter in the air and i felt calm, like i always do in the winter. calm and full of a strange fire it's what keeps me warm through the cold season. winter is the only season that is really mine, most of the time i am dividing myself up between self-proclaimed disasters. i only feel safe in the winter. there is less sunshine, i feel less disoriented, i can keep my head on for days straight.

winter is my favorite part of me for me, and my least favorite part of me for everyone else. (somehow everything i write turns into a drawn out apology, though i haven't exactly figured out what for). in winter i get lost inside of me, it is the only time i go into lock down, the only time i just let other people bounce off of me and while i'm sure i need this, it is disorienting for everyone else. i get weird in the winter, i get selfish. i suppose i keep to myself, because i can't explain it, and i don't really want to.

last year at this time, i was ruining things, and this year i am finally putting things back together. for the last 9 months i have been forcing panic attacks on myself, because without them i feel empty, like there is nothing in me. i am starting to understand that this nothing has potential, a lot more potential than the bitter things i won't let go of. and saying goodbye makes me sad, sure, but i keep getting better at it, and i am learning that my life really is mine, and i don't always have to share it, and i don't always have to put all the pieces together through other people, but only through myself. i am learning to be honest, i am learning how to make friends, i am learning how to forget things. saying goodbye is hard.

i try so hard to keep myself connected, to everything, to everyone, I stretch myself thin, thinking that if i lose one person, it will all fall apart. but you can't be connected to everything, things kind of just slip in and out, and you just can't hold on to them. in winter, i shut it down. i love everything, without having to tell everyone. in winter, i don't secretly hate myself/hate other people when they forget to stay in touch. some relationships are just so strong, that time and distance and lack of communication don't really matter. others, not so much.

maybe winter is the only season i truly love myself. i forgive myself for my passive-aggressive failings, i roll around in the snow, i try my hardest to love things without suffocating them, and i try to love myself without the help of other people. i tend to get lost in the shuffle, or sometimes that what it feels like, like i am a non-essential, but perhaps only because the people i love don't place so much importance on things as i do. i try hard not to hold this against them, but i know that i do, and they know that i do.

maybe, to rely on yourself is not such a bad thing after all. (I say maybe and perhaps a lot, i am never quite sure about anything really, and definite statements are a liability). and winter, i want you to know, i am ready, so let it fucking snow.

portland

2009-11-08T22:26:00.001-08:00

"i'm with you on the trees"

there is something about a kindred welchiness.

11.3.09

2009-11-03T10:18:00.000-08:00

all i want to do is listen to why? at high volume, or watch lots of movies or sleep.
for a long time.

"i wish i could feel close to somebody but i don't feel nothing.
now they say i need to quit doing all this random ffff-
now i think my upstairs neighbor hears me masturbating,
and there's other one's peeping through the slits in my curtains
and i never got a name for my shady compulsion
'cause i messed up and kissed my shrink in a jersey city hotel room..
and i know saying all this in public should make me feel funny,
but ya gotta yell something out you'd never tell nobody"

I STILL HAVE 6 MONTHS LEFT IN WHICH I AM ALLOWED TO BE A TEENANGSTER, RIGHT?

11.1.09

2009-11-01T23:19:00.000-08:00

it's november. i hope you know i'm around, and just awaiting your return.

"you're a beautiful and violent word
with the skinny neck of a chinese bird"

i had a lot to say, but its the same old shit, and all i ever want to do is write, i think.

10.30.09

2009-10-30T22:34:00.000-07:00

madison is a hot mess at halloween time and i can not wait to escape it for a weekend of curry, caramel apples, and friiieeenddz.

10.29.09

2009-10-28T19:33:00.000-07:00

the fall leaves are so bright they burn my eyes.

10.23.09

2009-10-24T23:11:00.000-07:00

a strange day. i can never decide between madison and milwaukee, but when i'm in milwaukee, i always get this odd feeling that i am supposed to choose. perhaps a weekend visit to madison will make it realized that it is the place for me.

10.22.09

2009-10-24T01:00:00.001-07:00

perhaps not my most brilliant idea. but at least, i will sleep like a baby for the 5 hours before i have to wake up.

10.21.09

2009-10-21T21:55:00.001-07:00

i didn't even know it was possible for things to be so good.
after a day of semi-intense studying, i spent time with good people, jumped in a pile of disgustingly dirty leaves, and learned that DAVE FUCKIN EGGERS IS COMING IN NOVEMBER. THE DAY BEFORE I LEAVE FOR PORTLAND. MOST EXCITING 5 DAYS OF MY LIFE. i don't know if i have ever been so excited. which i know sounds ridiculous, but really. never has a musician or author that i love to this extent come anywhere nearby.

10.20.09

2009-10-20T21:10:00.000-07:00

best best best day in a long long time.
sugar, savannah, hannah, larry dinner.
SUNSET RUBDOWN.
and TUNEYARDS who sang in swahili! baada ya walicheza muziki, tulisema katika kiswahili!
then we made some friends with some of the band... and failed to make friends with some of the band.

i am not feeing poetic. i am just feeling good.

10.19.09

2009-10-19T21:44:00.000-07:00

tomorrow will determine whether or not this week is going to kick my ass or not. but i did my best(ish) to prepare.

10.18.09

2009-10-18T23:39:00.000-07:00

yes, it has occurred to me to do away with this sentence day bullshit. but i've been at it for so long that i kind of want to make it a whole year. even if it is a bit of a snooze.

today went so fast i can't even remember what happened.

10.17.09

2009-10-17T18:43:00.001-07:00

today is a paul simon-y sort of a day.
"She said:
Why?
Why don't we drive through the night
We'll wake up down in Mexico
Oh I
I don't know nothin' about nothin' about
No Mexico
And tell me why
Why won't you love me
For who I am
Where I am
He said:
'Cause that's not the way the world is baby
This is how I love you, baby
This is how I love you, baby
One and one-half wandering Jews
Return to their natural coasts
To resume old acquaintances
Step out occasionally
And speculate who had been damaged the most
Easy time will determine if these consolations
Will be their reward
The arc of a love affair
Waiting to be restored
You take two bodies and you twirl them into one
Their hearts and their bones
And they won't come undone
Hearts and bones
Hearts and bones
Hearts and bones
Hearts and bones"

ALSO
"Well I'm accustomed to a smoother ride
Maybe I'm a dog that's lost his bite
I don't expect to be treated like a fool no more
I don't expect to sleep the night
Some people say a lie is just a lie
But I say the cross is in the ballpark
Why deny the obvious child?"

really, it isn't just the lyrics, it is the lyrics, mixed with the music, mixed with remembering the REDBIRD shows, that always give me chills and the fact that i can hear my family in these songs, in some weird way.

10.16.09

2009-10-17T05:47:00.000-07:00

sometimes, home is not the worst place to be. so much space that is my own.

10.15.09

2009-10-15T22:32:00.001-07:00

sick day.
portland confirmed! ticket purchased. jetting off for cousin time in a place that i hope to live in someday, is perfect.

i am not sure how i feel. maybe i've really just been allowing/making myself in a constant state of disappointment, because i am not sure what moving forward is.

i don't know what i believe.
i'm not sure thats a bad thing.

sickness doesn't allow me the energy to be sad. nor does it allow me the energy to take the time to write things how i would like. i hope i am better tomorrow. in every sense.

10.14.09

2009-10-14T22:29:00.000-07:00

i laughed so hard tonight, my sides still ache.

10.12.09

2009-10-12T21:49:00.000-07:00

a day.

10.11.09

2009-10-12T08:08:00.001-07:00

the days are turning into nothing, in a matter of seconds.
it makes me nervous that time is moving so fast when i am moving so slow.
i am worried we may all fall apart at once.

10.10.09

2009-10-10T22:22:00.001-07:00

lots of planning, or planning for lack of planning.

i like it.
this week: wandering around applying to various madison pharmacies.

10.9.09

2009-10-09T20:40:00.001-07:00

mac heaven.

unfortunately i have nothing noteworthy to mention.

home is... home. different places have different feels. like they are just holding in all these memories or lack there of, and by being in these places, you are absorbing this memories through osmosis, thus recalling all of these feeling associated with said memories. lately, i've been missing the things that have been lost.

but loving, intensely, (though quietly, and carefully) the things that are still around.

10.7.09

2009-10-07T19:16:00.000-07:00

post modern passive-aggressivism.

i am trouble.

2009-10-06T22:39:00.001-07:00

"out everyone out, i give too much SHIT a home, in my heart and mind, gets me every time"

WHY? i ate my fingers, i felt like i was betraying someone, somewhere, though i wasn't quite sure who.

they say that it just takes a little time. i few extra doses of patience, and you'll be fine. the smell of my hair gel, at home, takes me back to last year, it brings an automatic knot in my stomach, it makes me feel little, and silly, and i should probably just throw it away, but my mother would call it a waste. my head is back to aching, maybe it is a tuesday ritual, maybe it is trying to tell me something. i've told my side of the story hundreds of time, i just want a new one. i want to stop making myself sad, i want to stop missing people altogether, and sometimes, when they get to the climax, i wish for nothing other than to have never been born at all. today, i asked the floor, if i could become a part of its shadows, only to be asked "mom, am i failing?" normally i would use some sort of vomit imagery right here, but i'm well aware that it's getting old. i'm getting old. and the irony or coincidence of the day it is, and the band i saw, and the name of the most important thing that was ever made with me in mind, is not lost on me. rather, i am lost in it. i am all the things i told myself i never would be, and because of that, i am going to bed.

10.5.09

2009-10-06T06:50:00.000-07:00

savannah purchases a mac, thus changing the course of her life forever.

10.4.09

2009-10-04T23:19:00.000-07:00

an afternoon trying to identify with my inner Camplin, grandma's house, and yet another computer malfunction. being home is strange.

10.3.09

2009-10-03T21:54:00.000-07:00

I spent the day in my pajamas, doing homework, watching tv, and eating food. Then a lovely dinner with Anna.

I used to always be looking for more, but for now, i am content.

10.2.09

2009-10-02T23:28:00.000-07:00

for the first time in a long time, i feel settled, at least in one tiny aspect of my life.

10.1.09

2009-10-01T22:24:00.003-07:00

what is there to say but that i love ma fwieends.
and hope that our wee jokesies haven't offended.

9.30.09

2009-09-30T20:31:00.001-07:00

"but those kids down in the square
laughing like they just don't care
they know it all washes away
in the morning rain"
-peter mulvey

i broke into a fit of laughter every time the chorus came on, it was sunny, it was crisp and cold, and i just didn't to not feel like i was being weighed down by the impossible.

9.29.09

2009-09-30T06:06:00.000-07:00

what i was handling so well before, i'm not anymore. my sanity has been liquefied and it's slipping through my fingers.

9.28.09

2009-09-28T23:10:00.001-07:00

niche

9.27.09

2009-09-28T00:07:00.000-07:00

hot chocolate nite with ponycloud.

9.26.09

2009-09-27T00:51:00.000-07:00

i hunk of warm cheesy bread while coming out of a perfect state of pleasant drunkenness. a lovely night with friends.

what more could a gal ask for?

9.25.09

2009-09-25T22:59:00.000-07:00

things fall apart.

(sometime, although for a while i thought things had changed, i need ma s dub. she is a comfort, always. "i miss you like whoa.")

9.24.09

2009-09-24T22:48:00.001-07:00

you ain't seen nothing yet.
[it's only downhill from here]

EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS WILL HAPPEN TODAY.

"Ev'rybody says that the living is easy
I can barely see ‘cause my head's in the way
Tigers walk behind me-
they are to remind me that
I'm lost- but I'm not afraid "

david byrne, you ease my sea sick soul.

9.23.09

2009-09-23T22:33:00.000-07:00

welcome to the world of video chat savannah.

9.22.09

2009-09-22T21:28:00.001-07:00

heart 2 heartz with ma beyonce babbiieezz.

9.21.09

2009-09-21T20:18:00.001-07:00

i mean, does this shit ever stop making you ill?

9.20.09

2009-09-20T20:16:00.000-07:00

love:
loving cities, loving friends, loving history, romantic love, and the love that comes with fighting for a cause you'd die for.

i suspect love is kind of important.

9.19.09

2009-09-19T22:52:00.001-07:00

i am fairly certain i danced for three hours straight.
best wedding i have ever attended.
the first and only wedding that has ever given me any desire to get married myself some day.

9.18.09

2009-09-18T22:29:00.000-07:00

barn dance: square dancin', apple eating, camp fires, seeing old friends.

9.17.09

2009-09-17T22:38:00.000-07:00

fancy pants has successfully undergone card reader replacement surgery. i can not wait to pick him up tomorrow from the camera doctor.

"fancy pants" ilivunjika lakini sasa ni sawa.

9.16.09

2009-09-16T22:21:00.000-07:00

i had all of these things to say but instead, i will share this with you
1) because it is better than anything i would have to say
2) because i am sleepy

courtesy of starlight cinema, roger beebe presented his Film for ONE to EIGHT projectors series at the Union, and it was baller. seriously.

brigid: giggle.

9.15.09

2009-09-15T22:18:00.000-07:00

sometimes, i wonder, when i take the time to stop and think about it, if this will ever go away, or if collecting these sorts of things is just a part of growing up, and it makes me wonder if really ive changed at all.

this is the longest lasting lesson.

9.14.09

2009-09-15T06:55:00.000-07:00

dinner parties, with too much food. i feel like i'm following my dear cousin's footsteps.

9.13.09

2009-09-14T07:35:00.000-07:00

vampires.

9.12.09

2009-09-12T22:31:00.000-07:00

kammmmaeioicccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc
tired.

9.11.09

2009-09-11T23:10:00.000-07:00

so many things...
1) YES (to matt and kim)

2) MY NEW FASHION/DANCE ROLE MODELS

amanda blank
(i couldn't find a perfect picture...)

and always always always Sabina Scuibba

DAVID BYRNE+BRAZILIAN GIRLS?!
yes. yes yes yes yes.

i aspire to be more like these women.

never ever have i felt this good about things. FELT being the key word. i tend to think about how much fun i'm having/how happy i am instead of just allowing myself to experience it.

9.10.09

2009-09-10T22:17:00.000-07:00

you just can't wait for things to come to you, you have to go out and find them.

my sentences are turning into the sort of shit you'd read in fortune cookies.

9.9.09

2009-09-09T22:22:00.001-07:00

don't bother counting your losses. the things that aren't, can't be more important than the things that are.

9.8.09

2009-09-08T21:28:00.001-07:00

yes, it is possible to love all of your days.

9.7.09

2009-09-07T19:32:00.000-07:00

sometimes i worry that i am a little savann-o-centric.

9.6.09

2009-09-06T21:46:00.000-07:00

i am a gal that loves traditions.

9.5.09

2009-09-05T20:32:00.001-07:00

some things are just so sad, that they remind you how sad everything else is.
i love books.

9.4.09

2009-09-04T20:50:00.001-07:00

"I HAVE GOT TO STOP LOVING YOU
SO I HAVE KILLED MY BLACK GOAT"

sometimes, it is all in the title.

9.3.09

2009-09-03T22:40:00.000-07:00

a strange night, though i'm not sure why.

9.2.09

2009-09-02T21:33:00.000-07:00

i have the greatust friendz.
"joy is... utter contentedness"

9.1.09

2009-09-01T21:02:00.000-07:00

this is going to be an excellent year. yes.

8.31.09

2009-08-31T23:20:00.001-07:00

i have no desire for any sort of romance. i think that is marvelous.

8.30.09

2009-08-30T21:12:00.001-07:00

i sense a new savannah coming on. this is going to be a test. and i've never been more excited.
"thems fighting words" comes to mind.

(joska)

8.29.09

2009-08-29T23:01:00.000-07:00

i have mixed feelings. they'd probably go well with mixed drinks. i'll eat some wheaties instead.

8.28.09

2009-08-28T21:33:00.001-07:00

no expectations only means that everyday is a good day.

8.27.09

2009-08-27T23:02:00.001-07:00

oooh madison. this is the year you and i fall in love.

8.26.09

2009-08-27T10:23:00.001-07:00

i now have a tree on my arm, and am making myself at home in my new dwelling.

8.25.09

2009-08-25T14:20:00.001-07:00

sanav v 2.0 ain't scared of shit.

8.24.09

2009-08-24T21:18:00.001-07:00

only allow yourself a few minutes of despair, then remember that you have not a thing to be despaired about.

its just that i didn't always have this, and i suppose it's called growing up, which is something i never really wanted to do in the first place.

8.23.09

2009-08-23T20:20:00.000-07:00

i am a hopeless romantic. emphasis on the hopeless.

8.22.09

2009-08-22T22:16:00.000-07:00

if i walked forever, would i get anywhere?

8.21.09

2009-08-21T20:05:00.000-07:00

all i want in life is yak butter.
bros k.

8.20.09

2009-08-20T18:36:00.001-07:00

it's nearly madison time.

8.19.09

2009-08-19T21:04:00.000-07:00

i am taking up running. and by running i mean, traveling by foot to quiet places to read books, and occasionally en route to said places, running for a few blocks.

but it's a start.

8.18.09

2009-08-18T20:17:00.001-07:00

waffles are going to be a food i associate with college. forever.

8.17.09

2009-08-17T18:53:00.000-07:00

i am one of the only people i know that likes hospitals.

8.16.09

2009-08-16T22:26:00.000-07:00

future homes and weeping willows.

8.12.09-8.15.09

2009-08-16T17:43:00.000-07:00

weeona.
perfect, peaceful, and my only secret. it's not a secret in the fact that people don't know about it, but it is the only place where i think about things inwardly and don't share them. and because of that, i am not doing a sentence a day for the days i was there.

8.11.09

2009-08-11T22:45:00.001-07:00

http://savannalope.dorgknorl.com/blog/
very incomplete, but i am excited none the less, tell me what you think.
time to go meteor hunting.

8.10.09

2009-08-10T22:25:00.001-07:00

today, i missed little jebby a lot. something about today kept making me think i'd see him sleeping in the sun or chasing his ball around. but it wasn't really sad, it was just a little confusing.

8.9.09

2009-08-09T21:19:00.000-07:00

i am now in love with meryl streep as julia child and have just met one of the most interesting, cool families ever.

8.8.09

2009-08-08T19:48:00.000-07:00

i have watched lost and ate hashbrowns all day.
welch withdrawal is da worst.

8.7.09

2009-08-07T21:26:00.000-07:00

"remember to remember me
standing still, in your past
floating fast like a humming bird"

strange dreamz. they still drown me, but it doesn't scare me like it used to.

i have changed. i can feel it. normally, i would be nostalgic for whatever bits of me lost during transformation. but i suppose that was just proof that i have never really changed before.

8.6.09

2009-08-06T20:58:00.001-07:00

things don't make me as sad as they used to.
perhaps i am becoming more like the ocean.

8.5.09

2009-08-05T18:14:00.000-07:00

it could be worse, you could be dead.
after the dust settled, i see you found your heart, and that makes me happy. i think i found mine too.

8.4.09

2009-08-04T23:05:00.001-07:00

everyone has packed up and left, and usually this makes me feel so upset i can't function, but i think that i am learning to say good-bye. today, all i can see is forward, thanks to my cousins being themselves and helping me find the ground. i am passing my sadness tests, which are weird little trials to see how resilient my happiness is. i feel like next year is full of things that i do not know, mysteries, but i am ready to delve into them, because last year , i was waiting for something or other, and this year, i am not, and i have no one to think about but myself. i had all sorts of lovely poetic thoughts, but i am too tired to put them down properly, so i am writing this bla bla bla so i can refer to it later with all of my nice thoughts. i will admit, i am sad in the slightest when i think about my losses, but the sadness doesn't feel crippling and i think now, i am ready to use it to my advantage. next year, i am going to hunt for some sort of band i can run around with, because i like to sing, and i want to lean towards my musical inclination that i normally ignore. perhaps i will start learning some instruments also. ok life. you have survived the hardest year. let's move forward, for real. not the pep-talk sort of moving forward, but the actual act of moving onto new things, new people, and new worlds.

8.3.09

2009-08-04T23:03:00.000-07:00

my cousins got me grounded, even though these family things used to make me feel all shook up. i feel older than i used to, i feel smarter, i feel less nervous, i feel like it is all perfect.

8.2.09

2009-08-03T07:23:00.000-07:00

i am feeling more at peace with myself, and i think for real this time, not just to try to convince myself i am. i am concerned about the issue of my possible egocentrism. i wondered if being so concerned about this is a part of said problem.

8.1.09

2009-08-02T16:30:00.000-07:00

drunken conversations, a bajillion giggles, and singing our hearts out for hours.

7.31.09

2009-08-01T09:40:00.000-07:00

tent city, grandma city, welch city, love.

7.30.09

2009-07-31T11:50:00.001-07:00

dearest cousins, i know you already know, but i thought i would reiterate. i love you.

7.29.09

2009-07-30T09:26:00.001-07:00

first thought: sometimes i miss you so much i forget to breathe.
second thought: let the wild rumpus start.

7.28.09

2009-07-28T22:10:00.000-07:00

today, it occurred to me that perhaps, i have not moved forward at all. i am still waiting.

7.27.09

2009-07-27T20:16:00.000-07:00

dearest brigid, i love our nightly chats.

today was rough, for no particular reason. yesterday, they were drunk and talking about post-modernism and how the quality of each day is measured by the day before. perhaps the quality of each day is dependent on the expectations you have for it. someday, i'll elaborate on everything i think.

7.26.09

2009-07-26T22:24:00.000-07:00

beyonce summer is coming to a close. but that is exactly what it is to me, the summer of beyonce.

7.25.09

2009-07-26T07:46:00.000-07:00

i love my summer friends and my always friends. a lot.

7.24.09

2009-07-24T21:05:00.000-07:00

we are growing up and we are learning it is tough. tougher, perhaps, than we thought.

7.23.09

2009-07-23T20:55:00.000-07:00

cousinfest/grandmafest is fast approaching. i am so stoked to see EVERY person i am related to on my mothers side. a whole week of welch loving, is just what we all need.

7.22.09

2009-07-22T22:50:00.000-07:00

summer is mighty fine.

7.21.09

2009-07-21T19:12:00.001-07:00

"watch the donut, not the hole"
thanks mom.

7.20.09

2009-07-20T20:59:00.001-07:00

i tend to focus on the empty spaces. i need to start paying attention to what is, and not what is not.

7.19.09

2009-07-19T19:29:00.000-07:00

birthday lobsters to my z mate.

7.18.09

2009-07-18T20:35:00.000-07:00

not much.

7.17.09

2009-07-17T21:23:00.001-07:00

perhaps, a sentence a day, is too much.