6/7/09

i think i'm working too much. or more like i'm not doing enough in my free time. i keep wanting to talk pharmacy to people.

i keep napping. almost everyday. i don't wake up discombobulated and weird. perhaps summer naps are ok while in winter the light changes too quickly and causes terrifying disorientation.

one summer, 3 or 4 years ago i would stay up as late as my body could handle, fighting off the ghosts that used to come around when i tried to rest my eyes. i would then sleep, lightly, on and off, and not really relax myself into a nice sleepy state until i noticed the sun rising. i am afraid of the dark. but not at all in the normal sense. i don't know what frightens me about it. perhaps it is to quiet and too many people are sleeping.

i keep fluctuating between being the best i have ever been and the worst. and it's not fair, but i am putting both of these on one event, though really i suppose it is probably, more likely an intrinsic sort of thing that is causing this bipolarity of emotions. i miss the feeling of being in love, and perhaps this sounds personal, but i mean in general, i used to tend to be in love with lots of things, or in love with everything all at once, and it was kind of, a lot bit overwhelming to be so frantically in love but now i seem to not be in love with much of anything at all and it is a disappointment. or perhaps, perhaps that the feeling of love reminds of something that hurts, and oh no, oh no what if that means i will never be able to be fanatically in love with everything again because it hurts more than it delights me? and sure, time heals all wounds, but not really, not at all, time just gives us the distance between the hurt and the present to give ourselves vices with which to avoid our pain. and maybe, there is nothing wrong with that being the truth, i'm never sure how these things relate to my morals about ignorance. if one allows these vices to cure them, is it the same as allowing yourself to ignore the things happening around you that need to be fixed? or does it not count because by my above definition there is really nothing that can be done. which i believe, but not really because i don't believe in that sort of permanence.

i can never decide if it is fear or love that cause me to do the things i do, because for me they are too tightly wound together.

i've been spending all of my time painting my nails and listening to music/constant checking my last fm because i can't think of anything better to do.
or i can think of a million better things to do, but i don't know how to go about doing them, and every time i try to plan the plans always fail to come out how i pictured and i am tired of this constant disappointment. or perhaps these are just piles upon piles of excuses for me to sit in my bed all day and not move.

i need to find a better vice than nail painting. i should be learning music. i should, always. but i never do. i am surrounded by my pick of instruments. i pine for them. but i don't do much to work towards them. the gratification of learning music is too slow for me. i am patient with other people, most the time, but never patient with myself.

i feel like i know myself better than ever. i feel like i am losing touch with everyone else though. and is that a sacrifice that has to happen, or can you have both? because i'd rather not know myself if it comes down to a choice.

i seem to be missing the ideas of things more than the actual things themselves, or that's what i tell myself, but it's hard to say, and i'm confused, which i always am, there has never been a day in which i have been completely sure about anything, and i know it's a flaw but it is becoming more and more apparent that your weaknesses and strengths go hand in hand. which is to say, your weaknesses are the same as your strengths, they are really just traits that come in handy from time to time but also cause you mayhem from time to time as well.