winter

winter is taking its sweet time. usually, i can feel it in my bones, my whole self-demeanor changes as winter settles in. maybe winter is waiting for me to settle my head and heart affairs before it comes swirling in. on wednesday, it snowed and i could smell winter in the air and i felt calm, like i always do in the winter. calm and full of a strange fire it's what keeps me warm through the cold season. winter is the only season that is really mine, most of the time i am dividing myself up between self-proclaimed disasters. i only feel safe in the winter. there is less sunshine, i feel less disoriented, i can keep my head on for days straight.

winter is my favorite part of me for me, and my least favorite part of me for everyone else. (somehow everything i write turns into a drawn out apology, though i haven't exactly figured out what for). in winter i get lost inside of me, it is the only time i go into lock down, the only time i just let other people bounce off of me and while i'm sure i need this, it is disorienting for everyone else. i get weird in the winter, i get selfish. i suppose i keep to myself, because i can't explain it, and i don't really want to.

last year at this time, i was ruining things, and this year i am finally putting things back together. for the last 9 months i have been forcing panic attacks on myself, because without them i feel empty, like there is nothing in me. i am starting to understand that this nothing has potential, a lot more potential than the bitter things i won't let go of. and saying goodbye makes me sad, sure, but i keep getting better at it, and i am learning that my life really is mine, and i don't always have to share it, and i don't always have to put all the pieces together through other people, but only through myself. i am learning to be honest, i am learning how to make friends, i am learning how to forget things. saying goodbye is hard.

i try so hard to keep myself connected, to everything, to everyone, I stretch myself thin, thinking that if i lose one person, it will all fall apart. but you can't be connected to everything, things kind of just slip in and out, and you just can't hold on to them. in winter, i shut it down. i love everything, without having to tell everyone. in winter, i don't secretly hate myself/hate other people when they forget to stay in touch. some relationships are just so strong, that time and distance and lack of communication don't really matter. others, not so much.

maybe winter is the only season i truly love myself. i forgive myself for my passive-aggressive failings, i roll around in the snow, i try my hardest to love things without suffocating them, and i try to love myself without the help of other people. i tend to get lost in the shuffle, or sometimes that what it feels like, like i am a non-essential, but perhaps only because the people i love don't place so much importance on things as i do. i try hard not to hold this against them, but i know that i do, and they know that i do.

maybe, to rely on yourself is not such a bad thing after all. (I say maybe and perhaps a lot, i am never quite sure about anything really, and definite statements are a liability). and winter, i want you to know, i am ready, so let it fucking snow.