6.22.09

i really like doing things that are bad for you.

i keep finding things around my house while cleaning, either old notebooks, or old letters that i wrote and never sent, things that i am not quite ready to deal with, but definitely not capable of throwing away. i am still trying to digest the last year, which was, in short, a very bad year, the more i reflect on it.

my freshman year of college sucked. major. and i am totally okay with that because i feel like i got all the shit out of the way and i am SO EXCITED for next year, because 1)it can not be as bad as the last year 2) i am ready this time.

i don't feel nearly as scared/sad as i did at the beginning of the summer, but there is still something off, because i don't know what to do with free time and i keep running around trying to keep busy, but even when i'm with friends i can't think of what we do to pass the time and i just feel anxious. but i don't think this is an anxiety that i should try to calm, but rather something i should use to motivate myself.

i still don't know WHAT to do with my heart, but i never really have ever had a clue, but i've spent most of my years assuming that the woes of public schooling were keeping me from my full potential, when in reality, it's just me. i'm working on it, kind of, but i can't seem to think of anything that i am dying to do, so i just kind of do as i think will please me for now and hope it works out.

losing things is just the nature of life. i can say that a million times, and that doesn't make it any easier. but i am learning how to take what is thrown at me and deal with it, and accept that the older we get the more baggage we accrue and that if i won't let go of it then i will have to find my own way to carry it, and if i eventually collapse from the weight, so be it, forgetting is the worst thing a person can do.

take. it. with. a. pinch. of. salt.

i am still looking for my love, i am not quite sure where i put it, and i seem to find it now and again, but i hope it comes back. particularly my love for africa, which i know is around somewhere but i can't seem to summon it, which makes me worried because it is really all i have in terms of goals, and all i have in general that is MINE MINE MINE.