10.30.09

madison is a hot mess at halloween time and i can not wait to escape it for a weekend of curry, caramel apples, and friiieeenddz.

10.29.09

the fall leaves are so bright they burn my eyes.

10.23.09

a strange day. i can never decide between madison and milwaukee, but when i'm in milwaukee, i always get this odd feeling that i am supposed to choose. perhaps a weekend visit to madison will make it realized that it is the place for me.

10.22.09

perhaps not my most brilliant idea. but at least, i will sleep like a baby for the 5 hours before i have to wake up.

10.21.09

i didn't even know it was possible for things to be so good.
after a day of semi-intense studying, i spent time with good people, jumped in a pile of disgustingly dirty leaves, and learned that DAVE FUCKIN EGGERS IS COMING IN NOVEMBER. THE DAY BEFORE I LEAVE FOR PORTLAND. MOST EXCITING 5 DAYS OF MY LIFE. i don't know if i have ever been so excited. which i know sounds ridiculous, but really. never has a musician or author that i love to this extent come anywhere nearby.

10.20.09

best best best day in a long long time.
sugar, savannah, hannah, larry dinner.
SUNSET RUBDOWN.
and TUNEYARDS who sang in swahili! baada ya walicheza muziki, tulisema katika kiswahili!
then we made some friends with some of the band... and failed to make friends with some of the band.

i am not feeing poetic. i am just feeling good.

10.19.09

tomorrow will determine whether or not this week is going to kick my ass or not. but i did my best(ish) to prepare.

10.18.09

yes, it has occurred to me to do away with this sentence day bullshit. but i've been at it for so long that i kind of want to make it a whole year. even if it is a bit of a snooze.

today went so fast i can't even remember what happened.

10.17.09

today is a paul simon-y sort of a day.
"She said:
Why?
Why don't we drive through the night
We'll wake up down in Mexico
Oh I
I don't know nothin' about nothin' about
No Mexico
And tell me why
Why won't you love me
For who I am
Where I am
He said:
'Cause that's not the way the world is baby
This is how I love you, baby
This is how I love you, baby
One and one-half wandering Jews
Return to their natural coasts
To resume old acquaintances
Step out occasionally
And speculate who had been damaged the most
Easy time will determine if these consolations
Will be their reward
The arc of a love affair
Waiting to be restored
You take two bodies and you twirl them into one
Their hearts and their bones
And they won't come undone
Hearts and bones
Hearts and bones
Hearts and bones
Hearts and bones"

ALSO
"Well I'm accustomed to a smoother ride
Maybe I'm a dog that's lost his bite
I don't expect to be treated like a fool no more
I don't expect to sleep the night
Some people say a lie is just a lie
But I say the cross is in the ballpark
Why deny the obvious child?"

really, it isn't just the lyrics, it is the lyrics, mixed with the music, mixed with remembering the REDBIRD shows, that always give me chills and the fact that i can hear my family in these songs, in some weird way.

10.16.09

sometimes, home is not the worst place to be. so much space that is my own.

10.15.09

sick day.
portland confirmed! ticket purchased. jetting off for cousin time in a place that i hope to live in someday, is perfect.

i am not sure how i feel. maybe i've really just been allowing/making myself in a constant state of disappointment, because i am not sure what moving forward is.

i don't know what i believe.
i'm not sure thats a bad thing.

sickness doesn't allow me the energy to be sad. nor does it allow me the energy to take the time to write things how i would like. i hope i am better tomorrow. in every sense.

10.14.09

i laughed so hard tonight, my sides still ache.

10.12.09

a day.

10.11.09

the days are turning into nothing, in a matter of seconds.
it makes me nervous that time is moving so fast when i am moving so slow.
i am worried we may all fall apart at once.

10.10.09

lots of planning, or planning for lack of planning.

i like it.
this week: wandering around applying to various madison pharmacies.

10.9.09

mac heaven.

unfortunately i have nothing noteworthy to mention.

home is... home. different places have different feels. like they are just holding in all these memories or lack there of, and by being in these places, you are absorbing this memories through osmosis, thus recalling all of these feeling associated with said memories. lately, i've been missing the things that have been lost.

but loving, intensely, (though quietly, and carefully) the things that are still around.

10.7.09

post modern passive-aggressivism.

i am trouble.

"out everyone out, i give too much SHIT a home, in my heart and mind, gets me every time"

WHY? i ate my fingers, i felt like i was betraying someone, somewhere, though i wasn't quite sure who.

they say that it just takes a little time. i few extra doses of patience, and you'll be fine. the smell of my hair gel, at home, takes me back to last year, it brings an automatic knot in my stomach, it makes me feel little, and silly, and i should probably just throw it away, but my mother would call it a waste. my head is back to aching, maybe it is a tuesday ritual, maybe it is trying to tell me something. i've told my side of the story hundreds of time, i just want a new one. i want to stop making myself sad, i want to stop missing people altogether, and sometimes, when they get to the climax, i wish for nothing other than to have never been born at all. today, i asked the floor, if i could become a part of its shadows, only to be asked "mom, am i failing?" normally i would use some sort of vomit imagery right here, but i'm well aware that it's getting old. i'm getting old. and the irony or coincidence of the day it is, and the band i saw, and the name of the most important thing that was ever made with me in mind, is not lost on me. rather, i am lost in it. i am all the things i told myself i never would be, and because of that, i am going to bed.

10.5.09

savannah purchases a mac, thus changing the course of her life forever.

10.4.09

an afternoon trying to identify with my inner Camplin, grandma's house, and yet another computer malfunction. being home is strange.

10.3.09

I spent the day in my pajamas, doing homework, watching tv, and eating food. Then a lovely dinner with Anna.

I used to always be looking for more, but for now, i am content.

10.2.09

for the first time in a long time, i feel settled, at least in one tiny aspect of my life.

10.1.09

what is there to say but that i love ma fwieends.
and hope that our wee jokesies haven't offended.