Tuesday, June 30, 2009


the day keep trickling by, but each day costs so much.

what would you pay for a day?
a dollar?
a penny?
it really depends on the day i suppose.

missing things and people is exhausting.
i nap everyday now.

Monday, June 29, 2009

wes anderson

i love wes anderson movies, because nothing happens. they are more like real life.
and yet... sometime i wonder if i like things just because i think i should.

also. wes anderson films have the best sound tracks.

but really, how lovely. nothing happens except for quirky, funny, little details and isn't that what happens in life?



it's been a long time. it still hurts.

Sunday, June 28, 2009


sun burnt but full of ice cream and happy.

Saturday, June 27, 2009


i. am. too. restless. for. summer.
where is the snow?

winter is more my style.


nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing.


it's getting louder and louder and louder

Friday, June 26, 2009


sleeping's for whimps.

and thus, a chapter ends. and now, all my chapters have ended. it's time for a new book.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

the people and things that you love can't just stop being a part of your life. it's not fair and it's not true.

this things and people, they make you, you are them, they are you, and HOW CAN YOU JUST DECIDE THAT THEY WERE AND AREN'T STILL? it is too late. once something is, it just IS.

i see the world differently.

when i think about it, really think about it, i can see the people i know as a combination of everyone around them.

god. i can't fucking explain it. i just want you to see it too. can't you see it?
you can't see it, can you?


when it hit me.

he USED to love me, he doesn't anymore.
jeb USED to be alive, he isn't anymore.
i USED to be a kid, i'm not anymore.

things USED to be one way, now they're a different way, and i can't handle it, except for i can because i've learned to just ignore everything, and i don't even know what's going on anymore.
the two don't seem to go together but they do, to me, because Jeb started to decline about the same time i did.
and my heart has been too fucking broken about other things to pay attention the fact that my dog, who has been consistent and a joy always was DYING. i knew it, in my mind, but i refused to think about it.

is this what happens? do we just learn to ignore everything that hurts so we can move forward? if this is growing up, THEN I'M NOT DOING IT. i don't mean the pain, and the losing people and things you love. i mean the learning to ignore it. people call it acceptance but that is not what it is. acceptance is understanding your circumstance and not denying it. and it seems so... so stupid. so wrong. so against everything i believe in. and right now i am just so mad, so mad that this is what it is, this is it, is this it?
thats right. i can never chose to rebel against things that make sense. i am rebelling against the idea of growing up, against the idea of ignoring the things that are out of our control just because it makes it easier to wake up in the morning. i will find a way to move forward, for real, not move forward by forgetting.

do you know what i've spent my summer doing? watching things. the daily show, colbert report, anything that doesn't involve thinking. i am so fucking ashamed and yet, i don't know what else to do. books have been testing my patience and i never know where anyone is and i don't feel artsy and music makes me sad.

now, here i am, dogless and godless and full but empty and i feel sick like i always do when the snot back up through my nose and down into my throat and makes me gag.

my dad said
"thats the down side to having pets"
and i said
"thats the down side to loving anything thats alive"
which made us all laugh morbidly.

i have a head ache and my bed is covered in Jeb's last pee and i can never remember what you're supposed to do after someone dies.

it's fine. i am fine. the last year has thrown so much SHIT at me, that i am ready. i am so fucking ready.

this will get me in trouble. but i don't care. at least, not for now.

i keep talking to myself. in fact, a lot of this was first spoken in whispers to myself before being typed. i sound crazy. like i'm explaining to myself what just happened, even though i know. not only that, but i am using valley girl verbage. and i DONT FUCKING CARE. because who cares?


fuck man. it is both funny and tragic. as are most things really.

i've been told, though never in so many or so straight forward of words that i have a flair for the dramatic. and i would not disagree.


oh jebby. you lived a good life.
you picked a good day to go out with MJ and Farah.
we will miss you so so much.
you and your bug eyes and your tennis balls.
who will i cuddle with at night now?
love you stinky.

maybe sparrow, it's too late.

i woke up with a song on my lips, though i don't know how it got there.

i had a strange dream that i'd rather not have had, and now i feel confused.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009


today was the way days are supposed to be.

coffee with my camplin cousin. a rarity and a nice way to bond with my suppressed side. she tells me stories of my parents when they were younger, which is so fascinating to me because they, as people, are not so different as they were then, but they, as a duo, are very different, and sure, my view of love is skewed and twisted but it makes me feel a little better to hear about it none the less.

bike ride to with my mother.
we went to the place where love started. it is the prettiest place i know, which is probably silly because there are things much prettier in other areas of the world, but i love the different shades of green, the rolling hills, with trees scattered. it is aesthetically pleasing. and the birds were in an uproar flying and diving for their dinner. i didn't feel anything and it was the most lovely feeling of all. often, when in a serene beautiful spot i think "if only i had music" "if only i had a notebook to write". i didn't want any of those things. i just wanted to sit there and listen to the birds and watch them dive and be happy doing nothing, because we have been trained to be anxious if were not being stimulated by something or other.

i did my best to tell my mother i love her to pieces, all through out the day, because i worry that we, as children, are a burden to her, which i am reminded of when i hear storied of when she was younger. not an unwelcome burden, but a burden none the less.

there is more to the story of my day being good, but it would sound unimportant even though it WAS important because little things are always important.

it was just what a day should be. nothing particularly exciting and earth shattering, but some human interaction and some exercise and a little bit of tranquility.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Monday, June 22, 2009


i really like doing things that are bad for you.

i keep finding things around my house while cleaning, either old notebooks, or old letters that i wrote and never sent, things that i am not quite ready to deal with, but definitely not capable of throwing away. i am still trying to digest the last year, which was, in short, a very bad year, the more i reflect on it.

my freshman year of college sucked. major. and i am totally okay with that because i feel like i got all the shit out of the way and i am SO EXCITED for next year, because 1)it can not be as bad as the last year 2) i am ready this time.

i don't feel nearly as scared/sad as i did at the beginning of the summer, but there is still something off, because i don't know what to do with free time and i keep running around trying to keep busy, but even when i'm with friends i can't think of what we do to pass the time and i just feel anxious. but i don't think this is an anxiety that i should try to calm, but rather something i should use to motivate myself.

i still don't know WHAT to do with my heart, but i never really have ever had a clue, but i've spent most of my years assuming that the woes of public schooling were keeping me from my full potential, when in reality, it's just me. i'm working on it, kind of, but i can't seem to think of anything that i am dying to do, so i just kind of do as i think will please me for now and hope it works out.

losing things is just the nature of life. i can say that a million times, and that doesn't make it any easier. but i am learning how to take what is thrown at me and deal with it, and accept that the older we get the more baggage we accrue and that if i won't let go of it then i will have to find my own way to carry it, and if i eventually collapse from the weight, so be it, forgetting is the worst thing a person can do.

take. it. with. a. pinch. of. salt.

i am still looking for my love, i am not quite sure where i put it, and i seem to find it now and again, but i hope it comes back. particularly my love for africa, which i know is around somewhere but i can't seem to summon it, which makes me worried because it is really all i have in terms of goals, and all i have in general that is MINE MINE MINE.

Sunday, June 21, 2009


grandmamama's, friends, canoes...i can't shake the feeling that summer is moving too fast.

i hope my friends enjoyed their trip to grandma's. when people are on "yo turf" they are so much quieter and you are so much louder. i feel more comfortable and yet, i trust myself to be a person they like less.

Saturday, June 20, 2009


i love my drunken friends. thanks zeee.

happy birthday doof.

Friday, June 19, 2009


work work work, chinese food, hanging out with the bro and the lovely ukranian.

Thursday, June 18, 2009


perhaps, mother, being struck by lightning is the answer. electrify some sense into your little girl.

Well you lasted a second
You lasted a year
But you were, gone in quite a hurry
And my face hit the pavement
And I walked off the tears
But now baby doncha worry
(i'm writing a country song)

my lack of musical talent is no longer dismaying, and perhaps this will allow me to gain the musical talent i have so long desired.

i wish things i could write things as perfect as joanna newsom. my bones are heavy with the loss of the way things used to be, and she knows the feeling. i am moving forward, and that is good, this forward motion, or that's what i've heard, and i suppose it's true but who says that i am always the one needing advice and that really, i am not just waiting to give you my piece of mind?

our strengths are our weaknesses, and i am learning that i am not made all wrong but just made different and that these traits i hold are not inherently bad, and perhaps even good.

and i am full of anger. i never used to be angry. i don't even really get angry. but i am angry for being allowed to believe that the way i do things is wrong, and that i need to change it.

i am losing my patience. which is silly, because everyone is being patient with me.

i can't make my thoughts clear.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

and the question is still the same, for everyone always

do you still think of me, even when i'm not around
and they ask "why does it matter?"
and i don't have an answer
but a feeling in my guts
that tells me to run for cover
when people forget
they forget for good

i am. so. frustrated. and worried. and sad.

with good things, come bad things.
i can not handle the world.
and the world can not handle me.
but we will continue trying anyways.

(my dearest friends
if ever there is a question
about my love for you
1)let me know.
2)know that i love you.
3)know that i think of you often.
4)know that the thing listed above apply to new friends and old
5)know that i like when people contact me in any way shape or from
6)know that i never think it weird
7)know that you are wonderful, in my book.

we need to be reminded sometimes.
we need to be reminded often.


i just want a little help from my friends.


spontaneous dance party.


asian food night.


it's summer. let's go swimming.

Saturday, June 13, 2009


another night for the books. thanks beyonce.

as a side note: it is summer and i feel like i should be at grandma's everyday, swimming and helping her label pictures and meeting friends like i did last summer.

Friday, June 12, 2009


jeb is getting very old. i think we are reaching the last of his days. it makes me sad, so i'm avoiding the house.
a jebless house ain't no house at all.
perhaps the vet will give us some hope tomorrow.
or perhaps, this is just another thing i need to learn to deal with.

Thursday, June 11, 2009


"better times collide with these, and better times, are coming still."

i was right about my true, bodily sleepiness yesterday. i accidentally fell asleep at 10 woke up at 12 tired as could be, took out my eyes, and went back to bed for another 8 hours. i never used to sleep this much, but things have changed.

i love blasting music while driving in the car. better than i like blasting music anywhere else. and it is distinctly different in the car. because when blasting music elsewhere, i don't know what to do with my body. i have the overwhelming urge to escape, and in the car, i am escaping.

i make ridiculous faces, i stick my arms straight out to the steering wheel do whatever my faces equivalent to raising one eyebrow is. i feel dangerous. i feel reckless. i feel immortal. i bang on the ceiling of the car harder than i should, i scratch and claw, i sing TOO loud, so loud that it hurts my voice and it doesn't sound good, not a bit but it FEELS good.

i want to send people songs. not MY songs(i don't have any yet), but songs because when i hear songs i think of them or more i think of myself and how i feel and i want certain people to know EXACTLY how i feel, and this song, the words the music, the essence is exactly what i have been trying to expalain about myself.

today, my jams were :neko, modest mouse, belle and sebastian, and nirvana (incesticide...probably the worst, but i knew all the words when i was a wee thing so it is forever my favorite).

bah. i wish i could have written WHILE driving WHILE going crazy to the music. my feelings were right there, i knew how i wanted to describe it, i felt motivated to make lists of lyrics that are describing how i feel etc. but now, it seems kind of silly and also kind of pointless.

i am doing good. that is good. but part of me wishes i wasn't. which i realize is nonsensical and silly. it's probably too personal to explain, and i tend to get in trouble for pasting myself in words all over the internet so i'll refrain, and ponder it to myself, or not ponder it at all because it isn't something i want to think about.

time for some milk and rest.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009


i forget how much i love bicycling until i go a bicycling.

i've been doing my best to not analyze the situations, and to not think play the counting game and to pretend my freshman year was a practice run at life and to keep my little tragedies at bay.

i am tired, in the regular sense for once, and i look forward to sleep and a lovely day in madison.
my room, is getting cleaner and cleaner and i am hoping to impress everyone who has had 19 years to lose their faith in my ability to be clean and organized.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009


lunchables and love stories and lyndsay gavins.


my room is a disaster. it will take me years to get it clean.

Sunday, June 7, 2009


i think i'm working too much. or more like i'm not doing enough in my free time. i keep wanting to talk pharmacy to people.

i keep napping. almost everyday. i don't wake up discombobulated and weird. perhaps summer naps are ok while in winter the light changes too quickly and causes terrifying disorientation.

one summer, 3 or 4 years ago i would stay up as late as my body could handle, fighting off the ghosts that used to come around when i tried to rest my eyes. i would then sleep, lightly, on and off, and not really relax myself into a nice sleepy state until i noticed the sun rising. i am afraid of the dark. but not at all in the normal sense. i don't know what frightens me about it. perhaps it is to quiet and too many people are sleeping.

i keep fluctuating between being the best i have ever been and the worst. and it's not fair, but i am putting both of these on one event, though really i suppose it is probably, more likely an intrinsic sort of thing that is causing this bipolarity of emotions. i miss the feeling of being in love, and perhaps this sounds personal, but i mean in general, i used to tend to be in love with lots of things, or in love with everything all at once, and it was kind of, a lot bit overwhelming to be so frantically in love but now i seem to not be in love with much of anything at all and it is a disappointment. or perhaps, perhaps that the feeling of love reminds of something that hurts, and oh no, oh no what if that means i will never be able to be fanatically in love with everything again because it hurts more than it delights me? and sure, time heals all wounds, but not really, not at all, time just gives us the distance between the hurt and the present to give ourselves vices with which to avoid our pain. and maybe, there is nothing wrong with that being the truth, i'm never sure how these things relate to my morals about ignorance. if one allows these vices to cure them, is it the same as allowing yourself to ignore the things happening around you that need to be fixed? or does it not count because by my above definition there is really nothing that can be done. which i believe, but not really because i don't believe in that sort of permanence.

i can never decide if it is fear or love that cause me to do the things i do, because for me they are too tightly wound together.

i've been spending all of my time painting my nails and listening to music/constant checking my last fm because i can't think of anything better to do.
or i can think of a million better things to do, but i don't know how to go about doing them, and every time i try to plan the plans always fail to come out how i pictured and i am tired of this constant disappointment. or perhaps these are just piles upon piles of excuses for me to sit in my bed all day and not move.

i need to find a better vice than nail painting. i should be learning music. i should, always. but i never do. i am surrounded by my pick of instruments. i pine for them. but i don't do much to work towards them. the gratification of learning music is too slow for me. i am patient with other people, most the time, but never patient with myself.

i feel like i know myself better than ever. i feel like i am losing touch with everyone else though. and is that a sacrifice that has to happen, or can you have both? because i'd rather not know myself if it comes down to a choice.

i seem to be missing the ideas of things more than the actual things themselves, or that's what i tell myself, but it's hard to say, and i'm confused, which i always am, there has never been a day in which i have been completely sure about anything, and i know it's a flaw but it is becoming more and more apparent that your weaknesses and strengths go hand in hand. which is to say, your weaknesses are the same as your strengths, they are really just traits that come in handy from time to time but also cause you mayhem from time to time as well.

Saturday, June 6, 2009


"will you love me 'til my heart stops? love me 'til i'm dead?"
i am blessed with a lovely home full of lovely people, whether they be permanent residents or passers through. i still never tire of it, and love it unconditionally and immensely.

i do my best, but i'm made of mistakes

i am doing my best to not think about what i'm feeling. to not name it, to not try to turn it into words. because that is not what feelings are for. i have never been able to live in the moment because i spend too much time trying to describe the moment. and now, i just can't figure out why i did that for so many years. it's so unsatisfying. things are looking up, or not up, but looking in some sort of direction, and i am not working on acceptance or forgiveness, or really anything at all, but just letting things happen and not hoping for much of anything, but not because there isn't any hope but because i don't want to trick myself into trying to change the outcomes. i do what i can to push things the way i want them to go, but i am understanding that my vision of things is not achievable and perhaps not even desirable. i don't know. and why should i? my parents never put the pressure of needing to know whats next upon me, and that made me nervous so i put it upon myself. but i have the future scared right out of me, i don't even want to know what's next, which is cynical, sure, but overall a healthy attitude if you remove the real reasons for the change of mind out of it. the reasons aren't always whats important. your reasons are important. but you shouldn't worry about theirs. pick up the pieces and put them back together. in a new way.

Friday, June 5, 2009


dear summer,
thank you for being patient with me. i think i am ready for you now.

Thursday, June 4, 2009


if i believed in karma, i wouldn't spend so much time punishing myself.

(the more i learn about love from the people around me, the less inclined i am to find it. i've got a big heart, maybe i should keep it to myself.)

Wednesday, June 3, 2009


new friends, a whole summer of fun.

i am learning to make friends wherever i go, to keep things interesting, and to trust myself. my friends have went missing, not really, but a little, but that's o.k. i am doing my best not to panic. i am not looking back, even though nostalgia used to be my favorite game. i am becoming infuriated daily, but in the normal sort of way. i am not bothering to say goodbye to yesterday, because it's not for me to let go of, it will wear off of me eventually. or it won't. but it's not for me to decide, to chose what will stick and what will fade. which is not to say that it's up to some higher power, though it may be, but more to say that it all depends on how the other factors play in. i have done what i can to make things the way i wish them to be, but i won't kill myself trying. no more attempting to swallow the sadness, it isn't something edible, it is something that needs to be overcome, not suppressed. i sound more optimistic than i feel, but i am assuming that if i believe it, it will be so. which i've been told many times. but it really only works in terms of yourself. which i suppose was supposed to be obvious to me. i was supposed to know that it was only an intrinsic sort of thing. i've been trying to use this believing voodoo on other people, and it isn't working. so enough is enough.

i know. no one believes me anymore. i talk in circles, i say i'm better, i'm learning, i'm stronger, i'm smarter in a vain attempt to prove them wrong, to show them that i've changed. but i'm not too concerned with thoughts from other people. as of late, no one is particularly reliable, whether it be their fault, or mine, or some odd chances of fate.

maybe being alone isn't the worst thing.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009


my body is trying to tell me i'm allergic to tuesdays.

but today was a good day.


i hate bag clips.

(which is to say, has no one ever heard of clothespins? they are multi-functional wooden things that could potentially function as bag clips. and they are not made of plastic. i went to menards yesterday. it made me want to throw everything in my house out the window. and not buy anything new. people buy too much piles of useless shit. i am not much of an exception.)

. and since i have transferred, i realized that the goal (or lack there of) of this blog is to write a sentence a day. sometimes three. but never much more.
i am attempting to sum up my days in very few sentences. of course, some days, i have more to say, so i add paragraphs below the sentence.