Sunday, November 29, 2009


winter is taking its sweet time. usually, i can feel it in my bones, my whole self-demeanor changes as winter settles in. maybe winter is waiting for me to settle my head and heart affairs before it comes swirling in. on wednesday, it snowed and i could smell winter in the air and i felt calm, like i always do in the winter. calm and full of a strange fire it's what keeps me warm through the cold season. winter is the only season that is really mine, most of the time i am dividing myself up between self-proclaimed disasters. i only feel safe in the winter. there is less sunshine, i feel less disoriented, i can keep my head on for days straight.

winter is my favorite part of me for me, and my least favorite part of me for everyone else. (somehow everything i write turns into a drawn out apology, though i haven't exactly figured out what for). in winter i get lost inside of me, it is the only time i go into lock down, the only time i just let other people bounce off of me and while i'm sure i need this, it is disorienting for everyone else. i get weird in the winter, i get selfish. i suppose i keep to myself, because i can't explain it, and i don't really want to.

last year at this time, i was ruining things, and this year i am finally putting things back together. for the last 9 months i have been forcing panic attacks on myself, because without them i feel empty, like there is nothing in me. i am starting to understand that this nothing has potential, a lot more potential than the bitter things i won't let go of. and saying goodbye makes me sad, sure, but i keep getting better at it, and i am learning that my life really is mine, and i don't always have to share it, and i don't always have to put all the pieces together through other people, but only through myself. i am learning to be honest, i am learning how to make friends, i am learning how to forget things. saying goodbye is hard.

i try so hard to keep myself connected, to everything, to everyone, I stretch myself thin, thinking that if i lose one person, it will all fall apart. but you can't be connected to everything, things kind of just slip in and out, and you just can't hold on to them. in winter, i shut it down. i love everything, without having to tell everyone. in winter, i don't secretly hate myself/hate other people when they forget to stay in touch. some relationships are just so strong, that time and distance and lack of communication don't really matter. others, not so much.

maybe winter is the only season i truly love myself. i forgive myself for my passive-aggressive failings, i roll around in the snow, i try my hardest to love things without suffocating them, and i try to love myself without the help of other people. i tend to get lost in the shuffle, or sometimes that what it feels like, like i am a non-essential, but perhaps only because the people i love don't place so much importance on things as i do. i try hard not to hold this against them, but i know that i do, and they know that i do.

maybe, to rely on yourself is not such a bad thing after all. (I say maybe and perhaps a lot, i am never quite sure about anything really, and definite statements are a liability). and winter, i want you to know, i am ready, so let it fucking snow.

Sunday, November 8, 2009


"i'm with you on the trees"

there is something about a kindred welchiness.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009


all i want to do is listen to why? at high volume, or watch lots of movies or sleep.
for a long time.

"i wish i could feel close to somebody but i don't feel nothing.
now they say i need to quit doing all this random ffff-
now i think my upstairs neighbor hears me masturbating,
and there's other one's peeping through the slits in my curtains
and i never got a name for my shady compulsion
'cause i messed up and kissed my shrink in a jersey city hotel room..
and i know saying all this in public should make me feel funny,
but ya gotta yell something out you'd never tell nobody"


Sunday, November 1, 2009


it's november. i hope you know i'm around, and just awaiting your return.

"you're a beautiful and violent word
with the skinny neck of a chinese bird"

i had a lot to say, but its the same old shit, and all i ever want to do is write, i think.

Friday, October 30, 2009


madison is a hot mess at halloween time and i can not wait to escape it for a weekend of curry, caramel apples, and friiieeenddz.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009


the fall leaves are so bright they burn my eyes.

Saturday, October 24, 2009


a strange day. i can never decide between madison and milwaukee, but when i'm in milwaukee, i always get this odd feeling that i am supposed to choose. perhaps a weekend visit to madison will make it realized that it is the place for me.


perhaps not my most brilliant idea. but at least, i will sleep like a baby for the 5 hours before i have to wake up.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


i didn't even know it was possible for things to be so good.
after a day of semi-intense studying, i spent time with good people, jumped in a pile of disgustingly dirty leaves, and learned that DAVE FUCKIN EGGERS IS COMING IN NOVEMBER. THE DAY BEFORE I LEAVE FOR PORTLAND. MOST EXCITING 5 DAYS OF MY LIFE. i don't know if i have ever been so excited. which i know sounds ridiculous, but really. never has a musician or author that i love to this extent come anywhere nearby.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009


best best best day in a long long time.
sugar, savannah, hannah, larry dinner.
and TUNEYARDS who sang in swahili! baada ya walicheza muziki, tulisema katika kiswahili!
then we made some friends with some of the band... and failed to make friends with some of the band.

i am not feeing poetic. i am just feeling good.

Monday, October 19, 2009


tomorrow will determine whether or not this week is going to kick my ass or not. but i did my best(ish) to prepare.

Sunday, October 18, 2009


yes, it has occurred to me to do away with this sentence day bullshit. but i've been at it for so long that i kind of want to make it a whole year. even if it is a bit of a snooze.

today went so fast i can't even remember what happened.

Saturday, October 17, 2009


today is a paul simon-y sort of a day.
"She said:
Why don't we drive through the night
We'll wake up down in Mexico
Oh I
I don't know nothin' about nothin' about
No Mexico
And tell me why
Why won't you love me
For who I am
Where I am
He said:
'Cause that's not the way the world is baby
This is how I love you, baby
This is how I love you, baby
One and one-half wandering Jews
Return to their natural coasts
To resume old acquaintances
Step out occasionally
And speculate who had been damaged the most
Easy time will determine if these consolations
Will be their reward
The arc of a love affair
Waiting to be restored
You take two bodies and you twirl them into one
Their hearts and their bones
And they won't come undone
Hearts and bones
Hearts and bones
Hearts and bones
Hearts and bones"

"Well I'm accustomed to a smoother ride
Maybe I'm a dog that's lost his bite
I don't expect to be treated like a fool no more
I don't expect to sleep the night
Some people say a lie is just a lie
But I say the cross is in the ballpark
Why deny the obvious child?"

really, it isn't just the lyrics, it is the lyrics, mixed with the music, mixed with remembering the REDBIRD shows, that always give me chills and the fact that i can hear my family in these songs, in some weird way.


sometimes, home is not the worst place to be. so much space that is my own.

Thursday, October 15, 2009


sick day.
portland confirmed! ticket purchased. jetting off for cousin time in a place that i hope to live in someday, is perfect.

i am not sure how i feel. maybe i've really just been allowing/making myself in a constant state of disappointment, because i am not sure what moving forward is.

i don't know what i believe.
i'm not sure thats a bad thing.

sickness doesn't allow me the energy to be sad. nor does it allow me the energy to take the time to write things how i would like. i hope i am better tomorrow. in every sense.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009


i laughed so hard tonight, my sides still ache.

Monday, October 12, 2009


a day.


the days are turning into nothing, in a matter of seconds.
it makes me nervous that time is moving so fast when i am moving so slow.
i am worried we may all fall apart at once.

Saturday, October 10, 2009


lots of planning, or planning for lack of planning.

i like it.
this week: wandering around applying to various madison pharmacies.

Friday, October 9, 2009


mac heaven.

unfortunately i have nothing noteworthy to mention.

home is... home. different places have different feels. like they are just holding in all these memories or lack there of, and by being in these places, you are absorbing this memories through osmosis, thus recalling all of these feeling associated with said memories. lately, i've been missing the things that have been lost.

but loving, intensely, (though quietly, and carefully) the things that are still around.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


post modern passive-aggressivism.

i am trouble.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

"out everyone out, i give too much SHIT a home, in my heart and mind, gets me every time"

WHY? i ate my fingers, i felt like i was betraying someone, somewhere, though i wasn't quite sure who.

they say that it just takes a little time. i few extra doses of patience, and you'll be fine. the smell of my hair gel, at home, takes me back to last year, it brings an automatic knot in my stomach, it makes me feel little, and silly, and i should probably just throw it away, but my mother would call it a waste. my head is back to aching, maybe it is a tuesday ritual, maybe it is trying to tell me something. i've told my side of the story hundreds of time, i just want a new one. i want to stop making myself sad, i want to stop missing people altogether, and sometimes, when they get to the climax, i wish for nothing other than to have never been born at all. today, i asked the floor, if i could become a part of its shadows, only to be asked "mom, am i failing?" normally i would use some sort of vomit imagery right here, but i'm well aware that it's getting old. i'm getting old. and the irony or coincidence of the day it is, and the band i saw, and the name of the most important thing that was ever made with me in mind, is not lost on me. rather, i am lost in it. i am all the things i told myself i never would be, and because of that, i am going to bed.


savannah purchases a mac, thus changing the course of her life forever.

Sunday, October 4, 2009


an afternoon trying to identify with my inner Camplin, grandma's house, and yet another computer malfunction. being home is strange.

Saturday, October 3, 2009


I spent the day in my pajamas, doing homework, watching tv, and eating food. Then a lovely dinner with Anna.

I used to always be looking for more, but for now, i am content.

Friday, October 2, 2009


for the first time in a long time, i feel settled, at least in one tiny aspect of my life.

Thursday, October 1, 2009


what is there to say but that i love ma fwieends.
and hope that our wee jokesies haven't offended.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009


"but those kids down in the square
laughing like they just don't care
they know it all washes away
in the morning rain"
-peter mulvey

i broke into a fit of laughter every time the chorus came on, it was sunny, it was crisp and cold, and i just didn't to not feel like i was being weighed down by the impossible.


what i was handling so well before, i'm not anymore. my sanity has been liquefied and it's slipping through my fingers.

Monday, September 28, 2009




hot chocolate nite with ponycloud.

Sunday, September 27, 2009


i hunk of warm cheesy bread while coming out of a perfect state of pleasant drunkenness. a lovely night with friends.

what more could a gal ask for?

Friday, September 25, 2009


things fall apart.

(sometime, although for a while i thought things had changed, i need ma s dub. she is a comfort, always. "i miss you like whoa.")

Thursday, September 24, 2009


you ain't seen nothing yet.
[it's only downhill from here]


"Ev'rybody says that the living is easy
I can barely see ‘cause my head's in the way
Tigers walk behind me-
they are to remind me that
I'm lost- but I'm not afraid "

david byrne, you ease my sea sick soul.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009


welcome to the world of video chat savannah.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


heart 2 heartz with ma beyonce babbiieezz.

Monday, September 21, 2009


i mean, does this shit ever stop making you ill?

Sunday, September 20, 2009


loving cities, loving friends, loving history, romantic love, and the love that comes with fighting for a cause you'd die for.

i suspect love is kind of important.

Saturday, September 19, 2009


i am fairly certain i danced for three hours straight.
best wedding i have ever attended.
the first and only wedding that has ever given me any desire to get married myself some day.

Friday, September 18, 2009


barn dance: square dancin', apple eating, camp fires, seeing old friends.

Thursday, September 17, 2009


fancy pants has successfully undergone card reader replacement surgery. i can not wait to pick him up tomorrow from the camera doctor.

"fancy pants" ilivunjika lakini sasa ni sawa.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


i had all of these things to say but instead, i will share this with you
1) because it is better than anything i would have to say
2) because i am sleepy

courtesy of starlight cinema, roger beebe presented his Film for ONE to EIGHT projectors series at the Union, and it was baller. seriously.

brigid: giggle.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


sometimes, i wonder, when i take the time to stop and think about it, if this will ever go away, or if collecting these sorts of things is just a part of growing up, and it makes me wonder if really ive changed at all.

this is the longest lasting lesson.


dinner parties, with too much food. i feel like i'm following my dear cousin's footsteps.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Saturday, September 12, 2009



Friday, September 11, 2009


so many things...
1) YES (to matt and kim)


amanda blank
(i couldn't find a perfect picture...)

and always always always Sabina Scuibba

yes. yes yes yes yes.

i aspire to be more like these women.

never ever have i felt this good about things. FELT being the key word. i tend to think about how much fun i'm having/how happy i am instead of just allowing myself to experience it.

Thursday, September 10, 2009


you just can't wait for things to come to you, you have to go out and find them.

my sentences are turning into the sort of shit you'd read in fortune cookies.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009


don't bother counting your losses. the things that aren't, can't be more important than the things that are.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009


yes, it is possible to love all of your days.

Monday, September 7, 2009


sometimes i worry that i am a little savann-o-centric.

Sunday, September 6, 2009


i am a gal that loves traditions.

Saturday, September 5, 2009


some things are just so sad, that they remind you how sad everything else is.
i love books.

Friday, September 4, 2009



sometimes, it is all in the title.

Thursday, September 3, 2009


a strange night, though i'm not sure why.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009


i have the greatust friendz.
"joy is... utter contentedness"

Tuesday, September 1, 2009


this is going to be an excellent year. yes.

Monday, August 31, 2009


i have no desire for any sort of romance. i think that is marvelous.

Sunday, August 30, 2009


i sense a new savannah coming on. this is going to be a test. and i've never been more excited.
"thems fighting words" comes to mind.


Saturday, August 29, 2009


i have mixed feelings. they'd probably go well with mixed drinks. i'll eat some wheaties instead.

Friday, August 28, 2009


no expectations only means that everyday is a good day.

Thursday, August 27, 2009


oooh madison. this is the year you and i fall in love.


i now have a tree on my arm, and am making myself at home in my new dwelling.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009


sanav v 2.0 ain't scared of shit.

Monday, August 24, 2009


only allow yourself a few minutes of despair, then remember that you have not a thing to be despaired about.

its just that i didn't always have this, and i suppose it's called growing up, which is something i never really wanted to do in the first place.

Sunday, August 23, 2009


i am a hopeless romantic. emphasis on the hopeless.

Saturday, August 22, 2009


if i walked forever, would i get anywhere?

Friday, August 21, 2009


all i want in life is yak butter.
bros k.

Thursday, August 20, 2009


it's nearly madison time.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


i am taking up running. and by running i mean, traveling by foot to quiet places to read books, and occasionally en route to said places, running for a few blocks.

but it's a start.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


waffles are going to be a food i associate with college. forever.

Monday, August 17, 2009


i am one of the only people i know that likes hospitals.

Sunday, August 16, 2009


future homes and weeping willows.


perfect, peaceful, and my only secret. it's not a secret in the fact that people don't know about it, but it is the only place where i think about things inwardly and don't share them. and because of that, i am not doing a sentence a day for the days i was there.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

very incomplete, but i am excited none the less, tell me what you think.
time to go meteor hunting.

Monday, August 10, 2009


today, i missed little jebby a lot. something about today kept making me think i'd see him sleeping in the sun or chasing his ball around. but it wasn't really sad, it was just a little confusing.

Sunday, August 9, 2009


i am now in love with meryl streep as julia child and have just met one of the most interesting, cool families ever.

Saturday, August 8, 2009


i have watched lost and ate hashbrowns all day.
welch withdrawal is da worst.

Friday, August 7, 2009


"remember to remember me
standing still, in your past
floating fast like a humming bird"

strange dreamz. they still drown me, but it doesn't scare me like it used to.

i have changed. i can feel it. normally, i would be nostalgic for whatever bits of me lost during transformation. but i suppose that was just proof that i have never really changed before.

Thursday, August 6, 2009


things don't make me as sad as they used to.
perhaps i am becoming more like the ocean.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009


it could be worse, you could be dead.
after the dust settled, i see you found your heart, and that makes me happy. i think i found mine too.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009


everyone has packed up and left, and usually this makes me feel so upset i can't function, but i think that i am learning to say good-bye. today, all i can see is forward, thanks to my cousins being themselves and helping me find the ground. i am passing my sadness tests, which are weird little trials to see how resilient my happiness is. i feel like next year is full of things that i do not know, mysteries, but i am ready to delve into them, because last year , i was waiting for something or other, and this year, i am not, and i have no one to think about but myself. i had all sorts of lovely poetic thoughts, but i am too tired to put them down properly, so i am writing this bla bla bla so i can refer to it later with all of my nice thoughts. i will admit, i am sad in the slightest when i think about my losses, but the sadness doesn't feel crippling and i think now, i am ready to use it to my advantage. next year, i am going to hunt for some sort of band i can run around with, because i like to sing, and i want to lean towards my musical inclination that i normally ignore. perhaps i will start learning some instruments also. ok life. you have survived the hardest year. let's move forward, for real. not the pep-talk sort of moving forward, but the actual act of moving onto new things, new people, and new worlds.


my cousins got me grounded, even though these family things used to make me feel all shook up. i feel older than i used to, i feel smarter, i feel less nervous, i feel like it is all perfect.

Monday, August 3, 2009


i am feeling more at peace with myself, and i think for real this time, not just to try to convince myself i am. i am concerned about the issue of my possible egocentrism. i wondered if being so concerned about this is a part of said problem.

Sunday, August 2, 2009


drunken conversations, a bajillion giggles, and singing our hearts out for hours.

Saturday, August 1, 2009


tent city, grandma city, welch city, love.

Friday, July 31, 2009


dearest cousins, i know you already know, but i thought i would reiterate. i love you.

Thursday, July 30, 2009


first thought: sometimes i miss you so much i forget to breathe.
second thought: let the wild rumpus start.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009


today, it occurred to me that perhaps, i have not moved forward at all. i am still waiting.

Monday, July 27, 2009


dearest brigid, i love our nightly chats.

today was rough, for no particular reason. yesterday, they were drunk and talking about post-modernism and how the quality of each day is measured by the day before. perhaps the quality of each day is dependent on the expectations you have for it. someday, i'll elaborate on everything i think.

Sunday, July 26, 2009


beyonce summer is coming to a close. but that is exactly what it is to me, the summer of beyonce.


i love my summer friends and my always friends. a lot.

Friday, July 24, 2009


we are growing up and we are learning it is tough. tougher, perhaps, than we thought.

Thursday, July 23, 2009


cousinfest/grandmafest is fast approaching. i am so stoked to see EVERY person i am related to on my mothers side. a whole week of welch loving, is just what we all need.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009


summer is mighty fine.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009


"watch the donut, not the hole"
thanks mom.

Monday, July 20, 2009


i tend to focus on the empty spaces. i need to start paying attention to what is, and not what is not.

Sunday, July 19, 2009


birthday lobsters to my z mate.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Friday, July 17, 2009


perhaps, a sentence a day, is too much.

Thursday, July 16, 2009


i am both dreading and looking forward to summers close. i hate endings. i love beginnings. i'm trying to concentrate on the beginnings.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009


i am so full of love, for my new niche, i don't even know what to do. i had forgotten this feeling, and thought i missed it, but it is almost as bad as feeling too little love. this sort of people love makes me antsy, in a way that is impossible to explain, like i want to be best friends for years right now.

returning home can be such a bummer.


i am tired of (w)reckless relationships and the end of good things.


original thought "if you come back from wherever you are, let me know 'cause i miss you."

but as the day continued i realized it was better as:
i am comfortable in my own shoes, i love these new summer friends of mine as though they are family.

(a thought)
Can your heart be broken forever? Because I’ve read stories like that. Where the person goes away and the person he’s in love with thinks he’s dead and then he returns she is married to someone new. And what if your in love with the idea of something? Isn’t that just as real as any other sort of love? I don’t know anything about love. I don’t want to know anything about love. The new goal is to have no goals. Which is not to say to do nothing but just to not think about what I’m doing. That will never work. I don’t care.

Sunday, July 12, 2009


i danced my little heart out, and i felt the best i have in a long time.

Saturday, July 11, 2009


there are some lovely summer traditions. i am a gal that likes traditions.


it is a wonderful thing, to love where you work.

Thursday, July 9, 2009


the music is starting to hurt less, and really, what a silly thing to turn me upside down.

there are more losses to come, but there is always more to gain.
i tried, a hundred times.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009


i am working on mastering the appropriate level of self analysis.

i am confident in myself, but not confident about lots of other things.
i always a need a crisis. i've got plenty.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009


yesterday, we stood in a circle and said what we wished for the next ten years.

"i wish for independence and adventure, which are really only things that i can give to myself. and to find new people to love and love me and to continue to love and be loved by those already in my life"

Monday, July 6, 2009


public enemies. realizing my madison pride. wanting pretty nails, pretty hair, and pretty dresses.


16 miles of biking. i hate hills.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

and if i could package up these words
in such a way
that you knew
it was me
it was me

(not realized but a fleeting thought before i have to drag my sorry ass to work. it will be more complete.)

jeff tweedy is my poetic/lyrical hero.

Saturday, July 4, 2009


i miss being able to listen to music without getting a stomach ache.

Friday, July 3, 2009


boys el suck-o. friends el rock-o.

my bear fambly is driving me up the wall. but i can't tell if it is a lack of tolerance on my part or if their just being ridiculous.

Thursday, July 2, 2009


i am still waiting... for an answer? for a question?

i am so ready for a long night of sleeping but i have to wake up early for work tomorrow.

Will You Be There

a tribute to both MJ and a reminder of my favorite childhood movie Free Willy.

In all seriousness, I really like this song. It is one of MJ's best.

I am sentimental about stupid things. This nearly made me cry.

of course, i am currently to computer stupid to figure out how to make the fucking video show up. haha.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009


another thing to add to the pile of things that are lost/broken and yet, i don't feel that terrible.

perhaps it doesn't seem real or perhaps, i am learning to take the blows more gracefully.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009


the day keep trickling by, but each day costs so much.

what would you pay for a day?
a dollar?
a penny?
it really depends on the day i suppose.

missing things and people is exhausting.
i nap everyday now.

Monday, June 29, 2009

wes anderson

i love wes anderson movies, because nothing happens. they are more like real life.
and yet... sometime i wonder if i like things just because i think i should.

also. wes anderson films have the best sound tracks.

but really, how lovely. nothing happens except for quirky, funny, little details and isn't that what happens in life?



it's been a long time. it still hurts.

Sunday, June 28, 2009


sun burnt but full of ice cream and happy.

Saturday, June 27, 2009


i. am. too. restless. for. summer.
where is the snow?

winter is more my style.


nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing.


it's getting louder and louder and louder

Friday, June 26, 2009


sleeping's for whimps.

and thus, a chapter ends. and now, all my chapters have ended. it's time for a new book.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

the people and things that you love can't just stop being a part of your life. it's not fair and it's not true.

this things and people, they make you, you are them, they are you, and HOW CAN YOU JUST DECIDE THAT THEY WERE AND AREN'T STILL? it is too late. once something is, it just IS.

i see the world differently.

when i think about it, really think about it, i can see the people i know as a combination of everyone around them.

god. i can't fucking explain it. i just want you to see it too. can't you see it?
you can't see it, can you?


when it hit me.

he USED to love me, he doesn't anymore.
jeb USED to be alive, he isn't anymore.
i USED to be a kid, i'm not anymore.

things USED to be one way, now they're a different way, and i can't handle it, except for i can because i've learned to just ignore everything, and i don't even know what's going on anymore.
the two don't seem to go together but they do, to me, because Jeb started to decline about the same time i did.
and my heart has been too fucking broken about other things to pay attention the fact that my dog, who has been consistent and a joy always was DYING. i knew it, in my mind, but i refused to think about it.

is this what happens? do we just learn to ignore everything that hurts so we can move forward? if this is growing up, THEN I'M NOT DOING IT. i don't mean the pain, and the losing people and things you love. i mean the learning to ignore it. people call it acceptance but that is not what it is. acceptance is understanding your circumstance and not denying it. and it seems so... so stupid. so wrong. so against everything i believe in. and right now i am just so mad, so mad that this is what it is, this is it, is this it?
thats right. i can never chose to rebel against things that make sense. i am rebelling against the idea of growing up, against the idea of ignoring the things that are out of our control just because it makes it easier to wake up in the morning. i will find a way to move forward, for real, not move forward by forgetting.

do you know what i've spent my summer doing? watching things. the daily show, colbert report, anything that doesn't involve thinking. i am so fucking ashamed and yet, i don't know what else to do. books have been testing my patience and i never know where anyone is and i don't feel artsy and music makes me sad.

now, here i am, dogless and godless and full but empty and i feel sick like i always do when the snot back up through my nose and down into my throat and makes me gag.

my dad said
"thats the down side to having pets"
and i said
"thats the down side to loving anything thats alive"
which made us all laugh morbidly.

i have a head ache and my bed is covered in Jeb's last pee and i can never remember what you're supposed to do after someone dies.

it's fine. i am fine. the last year has thrown so much SHIT at me, that i am ready. i am so fucking ready.

this will get me in trouble. but i don't care. at least, not for now.

i keep talking to myself. in fact, a lot of this was first spoken in whispers to myself before being typed. i sound crazy. like i'm explaining to myself what just happened, even though i know. not only that, but i am using valley girl verbage. and i DONT FUCKING CARE. because who cares?


fuck man. it is both funny and tragic. as are most things really.

i've been told, though never in so many or so straight forward of words that i have a flair for the dramatic. and i would not disagree.


oh jebby. you lived a good life.
you picked a good day to go out with MJ and Farah.
we will miss you so so much.
you and your bug eyes and your tennis balls.
who will i cuddle with at night now?
love you stinky.

maybe sparrow, it's too late.

i woke up with a song on my lips, though i don't know how it got there.

i had a strange dream that i'd rather not have had, and now i feel confused.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009


today was the way days are supposed to be.

coffee with my camplin cousin. a rarity and a nice way to bond with my suppressed side. she tells me stories of my parents when they were younger, which is so fascinating to me because they, as people, are not so different as they were then, but they, as a duo, are very different, and sure, my view of love is skewed and twisted but it makes me feel a little better to hear about it none the less.

bike ride to with my mother.
we went to the place where love started. it is the prettiest place i know, which is probably silly because there are things much prettier in other areas of the world, but i love the different shades of green, the rolling hills, with trees scattered. it is aesthetically pleasing. and the birds were in an uproar flying and diving for their dinner. i didn't feel anything and it was the most lovely feeling of all. often, when in a serene beautiful spot i think "if only i had music" "if only i had a notebook to write". i didn't want any of those things. i just wanted to sit there and listen to the birds and watch them dive and be happy doing nothing, because we have been trained to be anxious if were not being stimulated by something or other.

i did my best to tell my mother i love her to pieces, all through out the day, because i worry that we, as children, are a burden to her, which i am reminded of when i hear storied of when she was younger. not an unwelcome burden, but a burden none the less.

there is more to the story of my day being good, but it would sound unimportant even though it WAS important because little things are always important.

it was just what a day should be. nothing particularly exciting and earth shattering, but some human interaction and some exercise and a little bit of tranquility.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Monday, June 22, 2009


i really like doing things that are bad for you.

i keep finding things around my house while cleaning, either old notebooks, or old letters that i wrote and never sent, things that i am not quite ready to deal with, but definitely not capable of throwing away. i am still trying to digest the last year, which was, in short, a very bad year, the more i reflect on it.

my freshman year of college sucked. major. and i am totally okay with that because i feel like i got all the shit out of the way and i am SO EXCITED for next year, because 1)it can not be as bad as the last year 2) i am ready this time.

i don't feel nearly as scared/sad as i did at the beginning of the summer, but there is still something off, because i don't know what to do with free time and i keep running around trying to keep busy, but even when i'm with friends i can't think of what we do to pass the time and i just feel anxious. but i don't think this is an anxiety that i should try to calm, but rather something i should use to motivate myself.

i still don't know WHAT to do with my heart, but i never really have ever had a clue, but i've spent most of my years assuming that the woes of public schooling were keeping me from my full potential, when in reality, it's just me. i'm working on it, kind of, but i can't seem to think of anything that i am dying to do, so i just kind of do as i think will please me for now and hope it works out.

losing things is just the nature of life. i can say that a million times, and that doesn't make it any easier. but i am learning how to take what is thrown at me and deal with it, and accept that the older we get the more baggage we accrue and that if i won't let go of it then i will have to find my own way to carry it, and if i eventually collapse from the weight, so be it, forgetting is the worst thing a person can do.

take. it. with. a. pinch. of. salt.

i am still looking for my love, i am not quite sure where i put it, and i seem to find it now and again, but i hope it comes back. particularly my love for africa, which i know is around somewhere but i can't seem to summon it, which makes me worried because it is really all i have in terms of goals, and all i have in general that is MINE MINE MINE.

Sunday, June 21, 2009


grandmamama's, friends, canoes...i can't shake the feeling that summer is moving too fast.

i hope my friends enjoyed their trip to grandma's. when people are on "yo turf" they are so much quieter and you are so much louder. i feel more comfortable and yet, i trust myself to be a person they like less.

Saturday, June 20, 2009


i love my drunken friends. thanks zeee.

happy birthday doof.

Friday, June 19, 2009


work work work, chinese food, hanging out with the bro and the lovely ukranian.

Thursday, June 18, 2009


perhaps, mother, being struck by lightning is the answer. electrify some sense into your little girl.

Well you lasted a second
You lasted a year
But you were, gone in quite a hurry
And my face hit the pavement
And I walked off the tears
But now baby doncha worry
(i'm writing a country song)

my lack of musical talent is no longer dismaying, and perhaps this will allow me to gain the musical talent i have so long desired.

i wish things i could write things as perfect as joanna newsom. my bones are heavy with the loss of the way things used to be, and she knows the feeling. i am moving forward, and that is good, this forward motion, or that's what i've heard, and i suppose it's true but who says that i am always the one needing advice and that really, i am not just waiting to give you my piece of mind?

our strengths are our weaknesses, and i am learning that i am not made all wrong but just made different and that these traits i hold are not inherently bad, and perhaps even good.

and i am full of anger. i never used to be angry. i don't even really get angry. but i am angry for being allowed to believe that the way i do things is wrong, and that i need to change it.

i am losing my patience. which is silly, because everyone is being patient with me.

i can't make my thoughts clear.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

and the question is still the same, for everyone always

do you still think of me, even when i'm not around
and they ask "why does it matter?"
and i don't have an answer
but a feeling in my guts
that tells me to run for cover
when people forget
they forget for good

i am. so. frustrated. and worried. and sad.

with good things, come bad things.
i can not handle the world.
and the world can not handle me.
but we will continue trying anyways.

(my dearest friends
if ever there is a question
about my love for you
1)let me know.
2)know that i love you.
3)know that i think of you often.
4)know that the thing listed above apply to new friends and old
5)know that i like when people contact me in any way shape or from
6)know that i never think it weird
7)know that you are wonderful, in my book.

we need to be reminded sometimes.
we need to be reminded often.


i just want a little help from my friends.


spontaneous dance party.


asian food night.


it's summer. let's go swimming.

Saturday, June 13, 2009


another night for the books. thanks beyonce.

as a side note: it is summer and i feel like i should be at grandma's everyday, swimming and helping her label pictures and meeting friends like i did last summer.

Friday, June 12, 2009


jeb is getting very old. i think we are reaching the last of his days. it makes me sad, so i'm avoiding the house.
a jebless house ain't no house at all.
perhaps the vet will give us some hope tomorrow.
or perhaps, this is just another thing i need to learn to deal with.

Thursday, June 11, 2009


"better times collide with these, and better times, are coming still."

i was right about my true, bodily sleepiness yesterday. i accidentally fell asleep at 10 woke up at 12 tired as could be, took out my eyes, and went back to bed for another 8 hours. i never used to sleep this much, but things have changed.

i love blasting music while driving in the car. better than i like blasting music anywhere else. and it is distinctly different in the car. because when blasting music elsewhere, i don't know what to do with my body. i have the overwhelming urge to escape, and in the car, i am escaping.

i make ridiculous faces, i stick my arms straight out to the steering wheel do whatever my faces equivalent to raising one eyebrow is. i feel dangerous. i feel reckless. i feel immortal. i bang on the ceiling of the car harder than i should, i scratch and claw, i sing TOO loud, so loud that it hurts my voice and it doesn't sound good, not a bit but it FEELS good.

i want to send people songs. not MY songs(i don't have any yet), but songs because when i hear songs i think of them or more i think of myself and how i feel and i want certain people to know EXACTLY how i feel, and this song, the words the music, the essence is exactly what i have been trying to expalain about myself.

today, my jams were :neko, modest mouse, belle and sebastian, and nirvana (incesticide...probably the worst, but i knew all the words when i was a wee thing so it is forever my favorite).

bah. i wish i could have written WHILE driving WHILE going crazy to the music. my feelings were right there, i knew how i wanted to describe it, i felt motivated to make lists of lyrics that are describing how i feel etc. but now, it seems kind of silly and also kind of pointless.

i am doing good. that is good. but part of me wishes i wasn't. which i realize is nonsensical and silly. it's probably too personal to explain, and i tend to get in trouble for pasting myself in words all over the internet so i'll refrain, and ponder it to myself, or not ponder it at all because it isn't something i want to think about.

time for some milk and rest.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009


i forget how much i love bicycling until i go a bicycling.

i've been doing my best to not analyze the situations, and to not think play the counting game and to pretend my freshman year was a practice run at life and to keep my little tragedies at bay.

i am tired, in the regular sense for once, and i look forward to sleep and a lovely day in madison.
my room, is getting cleaner and cleaner and i am hoping to impress everyone who has had 19 years to lose their faith in my ability to be clean and organized.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009


lunchables and love stories and lyndsay gavins.


my room is a disaster. it will take me years to get it clean.

Sunday, June 7, 2009


i think i'm working too much. or more like i'm not doing enough in my free time. i keep wanting to talk pharmacy to people.

i keep napping. almost everyday. i don't wake up discombobulated and weird. perhaps summer naps are ok while in winter the light changes too quickly and causes terrifying disorientation.

one summer, 3 or 4 years ago i would stay up as late as my body could handle, fighting off the ghosts that used to come around when i tried to rest my eyes. i would then sleep, lightly, on and off, and not really relax myself into a nice sleepy state until i noticed the sun rising. i am afraid of the dark. but not at all in the normal sense. i don't know what frightens me about it. perhaps it is to quiet and too many people are sleeping.

i keep fluctuating between being the best i have ever been and the worst. and it's not fair, but i am putting both of these on one event, though really i suppose it is probably, more likely an intrinsic sort of thing that is causing this bipolarity of emotions. i miss the feeling of being in love, and perhaps this sounds personal, but i mean in general, i used to tend to be in love with lots of things, or in love with everything all at once, and it was kind of, a lot bit overwhelming to be so frantically in love but now i seem to not be in love with much of anything at all and it is a disappointment. or perhaps, perhaps that the feeling of love reminds of something that hurts, and oh no, oh no what if that means i will never be able to be fanatically in love with everything again because it hurts more than it delights me? and sure, time heals all wounds, but not really, not at all, time just gives us the distance between the hurt and the present to give ourselves vices with which to avoid our pain. and maybe, there is nothing wrong with that being the truth, i'm never sure how these things relate to my morals about ignorance. if one allows these vices to cure them, is it the same as allowing yourself to ignore the things happening around you that need to be fixed? or does it not count because by my above definition there is really nothing that can be done. which i believe, but not really because i don't believe in that sort of permanence.

i can never decide if it is fear or love that cause me to do the things i do, because for me they are too tightly wound together.

i've been spending all of my time painting my nails and listening to music/constant checking my last fm because i can't think of anything better to do.
or i can think of a million better things to do, but i don't know how to go about doing them, and every time i try to plan the plans always fail to come out how i pictured and i am tired of this constant disappointment. or perhaps these are just piles upon piles of excuses for me to sit in my bed all day and not move.

i need to find a better vice than nail painting. i should be learning music. i should, always. but i never do. i am surrounded by my pick of instruments. i pine for them. but i don't do much to work towards them. the gratification of learning music is too slow for me. i am patient with other people, most the time, but never patient with myself.

i feel like i know myself better than ever. i feel like i am losing touch with everyone else though. and is that a sacrifice that has to happen, or can you have both? because i'd rather not know myself if it comes down to a choice.

i seem to be missing the ideas of things more than the actual things themselves, or that's what i tell myself, but it's hard to say, and i'm confused, which i always am, there has never been a day in which i have been completely sure about anything, and i know it's a flaw but it is becoming more and more apparent that your weaknesses and strengths go hand in hand. which is to say, your weaknesses are the same as your strengths, they are really just traits that come in handy from time to time but also cause you mayhem from time to time as well.

Saturday, June 6, 2009


"will you love me 'til my heart stops? love me 'til i'm dead?"
i am blessed with a lovely home full of lovely people, whether they be permanent residents or passers through. i still never tire of it, and love it unconditionally and immensely.

i do my best, but i'm made of mistakes

i am doing my best to not think about what i'm feeling. to not name it, to not try to turn it into words. because that is not what feelings are for. i have never been able to live in the moment because i spend too much time trying to describe the moment. and now, i just can't figure out why i did that for so many years. it's so unsatisfying. things are looking up, or not up, but looking in some sort of direction, and i am not working on acceptance or forgiveness, or really anything at all, but just letting things happen and not hoping for much of anything, but not because there isn't any hope but because i don't want to trick myself into trying to change the outcomes. i do what i can to push things the way i want them to go, but i am understanding that my vision of things is not achievable and perhaps not even desirable. i don't know. and why should i? my parents never put the pressure of needing to know whats next upon me, and that made me nervous so i put it upon myself. but i have the future scared right out of me, i don't even want to know what's next, which is cynical, sure, but overall a healthy attitude if you remove the real reasons for the change of mind out of it. the reasons aren't always whats important. your reasons are important. but you shouldn't worry about theirs. pick up the pieces and put them back together. in a new way.

Friday, June 5, 2009


dear summer,
thank you for being patient with me. i think i am ready for you now.

Thursday, June 4, 2009


if i believed in karma, i wouldn't spend so much time punishing myself.

(the more i learn about love from the people around me, the less inclined i am to find it. i've got a big heart, maybe i should keep it to myself.)

Wednesday, June 3, 2009


new friends, a whole summer of fun.

i am learning to make friends wherever i go, to keep things interesting, and to trust myself. my friends have went missing, not really, but a little, but that's o.k. i am doing my best not to panic. i am not looking back, even though nostalgia used to be my favorite game. i am becoming infuriated daily, but in the normal sort of way. i am not bothering to say goodbye to yesterday, because it's not for me to let go of, it will wear off of me eventually. or it won't. but it's not for me to decide, to chose what will stick and what will fade. which is not to say that it's up to some higher power, though it may be, but more to say that it all depends on how the other factors play in. i have done what i can to make things the way i wish them to be, but i won't kill myself trying. no more attempting to swallow the sadness, it isn't something edible, it is something that needs to be overcome, not suppressed. i sound more optimistic than i feel, but i am assuming that if i believe it, it will be so. which i've been told many times. but it really only works in terms of yourself. which i suppose was supposed to be obvious to me. i was supposed to know that it was only an intrinsic sort of thing. i've been trying to use this believing voodoo on other people, and it isn't working. so enough is enough.

i know. no one believes me anymore. i talk in circles, i say i'm better, i'm learning, i'm stronger, i'm smarter in a vain attempt to prove them wrong, to show them that i've changed. but i'm not too concerned with thoughts from other people. as of late, no one is particularly reliable, whether it be their fault, or mine, or some odd chances of fate.

maybe being alone isn't the worst thing.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009


my body is trying to tell me i'm allergic to tuesdays.

but today was a good day.


i hate bag clips.

(which is to say, has no one ever heard of clothespins? they are multi-functional wooden things that could potentially function as bag clips. and they are not made of plastic. i went to menards yesterday. it made me want to throw everything in my house out the window. and not buy anything new. people buy too much piles of useless shit. i am not much of an exception.)

. and since i have transferred, i realized that the goal (or lack there of) of this blog is to write a sentence a day. sometimes three. but never much more.
i am attempting to sum up my days in very few sentences. of course, some days, i have more to say, so i add paragraphs below the sentence.

Sunday, May 31, 2009


where did all the lobsters go?
i used to have so many, now i only have a few.
i hope that i find them again soon.

Saturday, May 30, 2009


i do not have enough room to store all this.
i have no idea what to do, and it's scary.

Friday, May 29, 2009


i feel so blah
and the fear is starting to creep back in.

i am no good at disappearing.

what if the most important person was yourself?
i have transferred myself here, because all the other blogs i'm interested in are here.

for past ramblings: