i do my best, but i'm made of mistakes

i am doing my best to not think about what i'm feeling. to not name it, to not try to turn it into words. because that is not what feelings are for. i have never been able to live in the moment because i spend too much time trying to describe the moment. and now, i just can't figure out why i did that for so many years. it's so unsatisfying. things are looking up, or not up, but looking in some sort of direction, and i am not working on acceptance or forgiveness, or really anything at all, but just letting things happen and not hoping for much of anything, but not because there isn't any hope but because i don't want to trick myself into trying to change the outcomes. i do what i can to push things the way i want them to go, but i am understanding that my vision of things is not achievable and perhaps not even desirable. i don't know. and why should i? my parents never put the pressure of needing to know whats next upon me, and that made me nervous so i put it upon myself. but i have the future scared right out of me, i don't even want to know what's next, which is cynical, sure, but overall a healthy attitude if you remove the real reasons for the change of mind out of it. the reasons aren't always whats important. your reasons are important. but you shouldn't worry about theirs. pick up the pieces and put them back together. in a new way.