Thursday, June 25, 2009

when it hit me.

he USED to love me, he doesn't anymore.
jeb USED to be alive, he isn't anymore.
i USED to be a kid, i'm not anymore.

things USED to be one way, now they're a different way, and i can't handle it, except for i can because i've learned to just ignore everything, and i don't even know what's going on anymore.
the two don't seem to go together but they do, to me, because Jeb started to decline about the same time i did.
and my heart has been too fucking broken about other things to pay attention the fact that my dog, who has been consistent and a joy always was DYING. i knew it, in my mind, but i refused to think about it.

is this what happens? do we just learn to ignore everything that hurts so we can move forward? if this is growing up, THEN I'M NOT DOING IT. i don't mean the pain, and the losing people and things you love. i mean the learning to ignore it. people call it acceptance but that is not what it is. acceptance is understanding your circumstance and not denying it. and it seems so... so stupid. so wrong. so against everything i believe in. and right now i am just so mad, so mad that this is what it is, this is it, is this it?
thats right. i can never chose to rebel against things that make sense. i am rebelling against the idea of growing up, against the idea of ignoring the things that are out of our control just because it makes it easier to wake up in the morning. i will find a way to move forward, for real, not move forward by forgetting.

do you know what i've spent my summer doing? watching things. the daily show, colbert report, anything that doesn't involve thinking. i am so fucking ashamed and yet, i don't know what else to do. books have been testing my patience and i never know where anyone is and i don't feel artsy and music makes me sad.

now, here i am, dogless and godless and full but empty and i feel sick like i always do when the snot back up through my nose and down into my throat and makes me gag.

my dad said
"thats the down side to having pets"
and i said
"thats the down side to loving anything thats alive"
which made us all laugh morbidly.

i have a head ache and my bed is covered in Jeb's last pee and i can never remember what you're supposed to do after someone dies.

it's fine. i am fine. the last year has thrown so much SHIT at me, that i am ready. i am so fucking ready.

this will get me in trouble. but i don't care. at least, not for now.

i keep talking to myself. in fact, a lot of this was first spoken in whispers to myself before being typed. i sound crazy. like i'm explaining to myself what just happened, even though i know. not only that, but i am using valley girl verbage. and i DONT FUCKING CARE. because who cares?


fuck man. it is both funny and tragic. as are most things really.

i've been told, though never in so many or so straight forward of words that i have a flair for the dramatic. and i would not disagree.

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