"will you love me 'til my heart stops? love me 'til i'm dead?"
i am blessed with a lovely home full of lovely people, whether they be permanent residents or passers through. i still never tire of it, and love it unconditionally and immensely.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
i do my best, but i'm made of mistakes
i am doing my best to not think about what i'm feeling. to not name it, to not try to turn it into words. because that is not what feelings are for. i have never been able to live in the moment because i spend too much time trying to describe the moment. and now, i just can't figure out why i did that for so many years. it's so unsatisfying. things are looking up, or not up, but looking in some sort of direction, and i am not working on acceptance or forgiveness, or really anything at all, but just letting things happen and not hoping for much of anything, but not because there isn't any hope but because i don't want to trick myself into trying to change the outcomes. i do what i can to push things the way i want them to go, but i am understanding that my vision of things is not achievable and perhaps not even desirable. i don't know. and why should i? my parents never put the pressure of needing to know whats next upon me, and that made me nervous so i put it upon myself. but i have the future scared right out of me, i don't even want to know what's next, which is cynical, sure, but overall a healthy attitude if you remove the real reasons for the change of mind out of it. the reasons aren't always whats important. your reasons are important. but you shouldn't worry about theirs. pick up the pieces and put them back together. in a new way.
Friday, June 5, 2009
6/5/09
dear summer,
thank you for being patient with me. i think i am ready for you now.
love,
savannah
thank you for being patient with me. i think i am ready for you now.
love,
savannah
Thursday, June 4, 2009
6/4/09
if i believed in karma, i wouldn't spend so much time punishing myself.
(the more i learn about love from the people around me, the less inclined i am to find it. i've got a big heart, maybe i should keep it to myself.)
(the more i learn about love from the people around me, the less inclined i am to find it. i've got a big heart, maybe i should keep it to myself.)
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
6/3/09
new friends, a whole summer of fun.
i am learning to make friends wherever i go, to keep things interesting, and to trust myself. my friends have went missing, not really, but a little, but that's o.k. i am doing my best not to panic. i am not looking back, even though nostalgia used to be my favorite game. i am becoming infuriated daily, but in the normal sort of way. i am not bothering to say goodbye to yesterday, because it's not for me to let go of, it will wear off of me eventually. or it won't. but it's not for me to decide, to chose what will stick and what will fade. which is not to say that it's up to some higher power, though it may be, but more to say that it all depends on how the other factors play in. i have done what i can to make things the way i wish them to be, but i won't kill myself trying. no more attempting to swallow the sadness, it isn't something edible, it is something that needs to be overcome, not suppressed. i sound more optimistic than i feel, but i am assuming that if i believe it, it will be so. which i've been told many times. but it really only works in terms of yourself. which i suppose was supposed to be obvious to me. i was supposed to know that it was only an intrinsic sort of thing. i've been trying to use this believing voodoo on other people, and it isn't working. so enough is enough.
i know. no one believes me anymore. i talk in circles, i say i'm better, i'm learning, i'm stronger, i'm smarter in a vain attempt to prove them wrong, to show them that i've changed. but i'm not too concerned with thoughts from other people. as of late, no one is particularly reliable, whether it be their fault, or mine, or some odd chances of fate.
maybe being alone isn't the worst thing.
i am learning to make friends wherever i go, to keep things interesting, and to trust myself. my friends have went missing, not really, but a little, but that's o.k. i am doing my best not to panic. i am not looking back, even though nostalgia used to be my favorite game. i am becoming infuriated daily, but in the normal sort of way. i am not bothering to say goodbye to yesterday, because it's not for me to let go of, it will wear off of me eventually. or it won't. but it's not for me to decide, to chose what will stick and what will fade. which is not to say that it's up to some higher power, though it may be, but more to say that it all depends on how the other factors play in. i have done what i can to make things the way i wish them to be, but i won't kill myself trying. no more attempting to swallow the sadness, it isn't something edible, it is something that needs to be overcome, not suppressed. i sound more optimistic than i feel, but i am assuming that if i believe it, it will be so. which i've been told many times. but it really only works in terms of yourself. which i suppose was supposed to be obvious to me. i was supposed to know that it was only an intrinsic sort of thing. i've been trying to use this believing voodoo on other people, and it isn't working. so enough is enough.
i know. no one believes me anymore. i talk in circles, i say i'm better, i'm learning, i'm stronger, i'm smarter in a vain attempt to prove them wrong, to show them that i've changed. but i'm not too concerned with thoughts from other people. as of late, no one is particularly reliable, whether it be their fault, or mine, or some odd chances of fate.
maybe being alone isn't the worst thing.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
6/1/09
i hate bag clips.
(which is to say, has no one ever heard of clothespins? they are multi-functional wooden things that could potentially function as bag clips. and they are not made of plastic. i went to menards yesterday. it made me want to throw everything in my house out the window. and not buy anything new. people buy too much piles of useless shit. i am not much of an exception.)
. and since i have transferred, i realized that the goal (or lack there of) of this blog is to write a sentence a day. sometimes three. but never much more.
i am attempting to sum up my days in very few sentences. of course, some days, i have more to say, so i add paragraphs below the sentence.
(which is to say, has no one ever heard of clothespins? they are multi-functional wooden things that could potentially function as bag clips. and they are not made of plastic. i went to menards yesterday. it made me want to throw everything in my house out the window. and not buy anything new. people buy too much piles of useless shit. i am not much of an exception.)
. and since i have transferred, i realized that the goal (or lack there of) of this blog is to write a sentence a day. sometimes three. but never much more.
i am attempting to sum up my days in very few sentences. of course, some days, i have more to say, so i add paragraphs below the sentence.
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