oh jebby. you lived a good life.
you picked a good day to go out with MJ and Farah.
we will miss you so so much.
you and your bug eyes and your tennis balls.
who will i cuddle with at night now?
love you stinky.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
maybe sparrow, it's too late.
i woke up with a song on my lips, though i don't know how it got there.
i had a strange dream that i'd rather not have had, and now i feel confused.
i had a strange dream that i'd rather not have had, and now i feel confused.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
6.24.09
today was the way days are supposed to be.
coffee with my camplin cousin. a rarity and a nice way to bond with my suppressed side. she tells me stories of my parents when they were younger, which is so fascinating to me because they, as people, are not so different as they were then, but they, as a duo, are very different, and sure, my view of love is skewed and twisted but it makes me feel a little better to hear about it none the less.
bike ride to with my mother.
we went to the place where love started. it is the prettiest place i know, which is probably silly because there are things much prettier in other areas of the world, but i love the different shades of green, the rolling hills, with trees scattered. it is aesthetically pleasing. and the birds were in an uproar flying and diving for their dinner. i didn't feel anything and it was the most lovely feeling of all. often, when in a serene beautiful spot i think "if only i had music" "if only i had a notebook to write". i didn't want any of those things. i just wanted to sit there and listen to the birds and watch them dive and be happy doing nothing, because we have been trained to be anxious if were not being stimulated by something or other.
i did my best to tell my mother i love her to pieces, all through out the day, because i worry that we, as children, are a burden to her, which i am reminded of when i hear storied of when she was younger. not an unwelcome burden, but a burden none the less.
there is more to the story of my day being good, but it would sound unimportant even though it WAS important because little things are always important.
it was just what a day should be. nothing particularly exciting and earth shattering, but some human interaction and some exercise and a little bit of tranquility.
coffee with my camplin cousin. a rarity and a nice way to bond with my suppressed side. she tells me stories of my parents when they were younger, which is so fascinating to me because they, as people, are not so different as they were then, but they, as a duo, are very different, and sure, my view of love is skewed and twisted but it makes me feel a little better to hear about it none the less.
bike ride to with my mother.
we went to the place where love started. it is the prettiest place i know, which is probably silly because there are things much prettier in other areas of the world, but i love the different shades of green, the rolling hills, with trees scattered. it is aesthetically pleasing. and the birds were in an uproar flying and diving for their dinner. i didn't feel anything and it was the most lovely feeling of all. often, when in a serene beautiful spot i think "if only i had music" "if only i had a notebook to write". i didn't want any of those things. i just wanted to sit there and listen to the birds and watch them dive and be happy doing nothing, because we have been trained to be anxious if were not being stimulated by something or other.
i did my best to tell my mother i love her to pieces, all through out the day, because i worry that we, as children, are a burden to her, which i am reminded of when i hear storied of when she was younger. not an unwelcome burden, but a burden none the less.
there is more to the story of my day being good, but it would sound unimportant even though it WAS important because little things are always important.
it was just what a day should be. nothing particularly exciting and earth shattering, but some human interaction and some exercise and a little bit of tranquility.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
6.22.09
i really like doing things that are bad for you.
i keep finding things around my house while cleaning, either old notebooks, or old letters that i wrote and never sent, things that i am not quite ready to deal with, but definitely not capable of throwing away. i am still trying to digest the last year, which was, in short, a very bad year, the more i reflect on it.
my freshman year of college sucked. major. and i am totally okay with that because i feel like i got all the shit out of the way and i am SO EXCITED for next year, because 1)it can not be as bad as the last year 2) i am ready this time.
i don't feel nearly as scared/sad as i did at the beginning of the summer, but there is still something off, because i don't know what to do with free time and i keep running around trying to keep busy, but even when i'm with friends i can't think of what we do to pass the time and i just feel anxious. but i don't think this is an anxiety that i should try to calm, but rather something i should use to motivate myself.
i still don't know WHAT to do with my heart, but i never really have ever had a clue, but i've spent most of my years assuming that the woes of public schooling were keeping me from my full potential, when in reality, it's just me. i'm working on it, kind of, but i can't seem to think of anything that i am dying to do, so i just kind of do as i think will please me for now and hope it works out.
losing things is just the nature of life. i can say that a million times, and that doesn't make it any easier. but i am learning how to take what is thrown at me and deal with it, and accept that the older we get the more baggage we accrue and that if i won't let go of it then i will have to find my own way to carry it, and if i eventually collapse from the weight, so be it, forgetting is the worst thing a person can do.
take. it. with. a. pinch. of. salt.
i am still looking for my love, i am not quite sure where i put it, and i seem to find it now and again, but i hope it comes back. particularly my love for africa, which i know is around somewhere but i can't seem to summon it, which makes me worried because it is really all i have in terms of goals, and all i have in general that is MINE MINE MINE.
i keep finding things around my house while cleaning, either old notebooks, or old letters that i wrote and never sent, things that i am not quite ready to deal with, but definitely not capable of throwing away. i am still trying to digest the last year, which was, in short, a very bad year, the more i reflect on it.
my freshman year of college sucked. major. and i am totally okay with that because i feel like i got all the shit out of the way and i am SO EXCITED for next year, because 1)it can not be as bad as the last year 2) i am ready this time.
i don't feel nearly as scared/sad as i did at the beginning of the summer, but there is still something off, because i don't know what to do with free time and i keep running around trying to keep busy, but even when i'm with friends i can't think of what we do to pass the time and i just feel anxious. but i don't think this is an anxiety that i should try to calm, but rather something i should use to motivate myself.
i still don't know WHAT to do with my heart, but i never really have ever had a clue, but i've spent most of my years assuming that the woes of public schooling were keeping me from my full potential, when in reality, it's just me. i'm working on it, kind of, but i can't seem to think of anything that i am dying to do, so i just kind of do as i think will please me for now and hope it works out.
losing things is just the nature of life. i can say that a million times, and that doesn't make it any easier. but i am learning how to take what is thrown at me and deal with it, and accept that the older we get the more baggage we accrue and that if i won't let go of it then i will have to find my own way to carry it, and if i eventually collapse from the weight, so be it, forgetting is the worst thing a person can do.
take. it. with. a. pinch. of. salt.
i am still looking for my love, i am not quite sure where i put it, and i seem to find it now and again, but i hope it comes back. particularly my love for africa, which i know is around somewhere but i can't seem to summon it, which makes me worried because it is really all i have in terms of goals, and all i have in general that is MINE MINE MINE.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
6.21.09
grandmamama's, friends, canoes...i can't shake the feeling that summer is moving too fast.
i hope my friends enjoyed their trip to grandma's. when people are on "yo turf" they are so much quieter and you are so much louder. i feel more comfortable and yet, i trust myself to be a person they like less.
i hope my friends enjoyed their trip to grandma's. when people are on "yo turf" they are so much quieter and you are so much louder. i feel more comfortable and yet, i trust myself to be a person they like less.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
